He hates me sometimes but loves me always
by RandomRachel
Summary: COMPLETE  New summary  Brendan and Ste loved each other, even if they shouldn't. When just about everything gets in there way, can they still make it back to each other? What's stronger, love or hate?
1. Imperfections and the past

Thanks for reading. This is my first story but I hope you enjoy reading. This chapter is based around Brendans thoughts and feelings towards Ste but I'll do proper storylines in future chapters. I've read loads of great fan fics about Stendan and mine probably won't be as good, but I hope you like it anyway!

P.S please review, I'd appreciate any comments or critisism :)

Normal people love someone because they think they're perfect. They love them because they're kind or generous or amazing or whatever. I didn't love Steven because he was perfect. I didn't love him because he was kind. I didn't love him because he was caring or funny. I didn't love the person he showed the world; the kind-hearted, friendly mask he wore. I loved Steven because of who he was inside. His stubbornness and jealousy, his knowledge that he was going to get hurt but his refusal to care, his manipulative mind and violent temper, his endless supply of tears that should have ran out long ago, his many many scars, his memories of his past that haunted him everyday, the fact that he got a rush of doing things he shouldn't. I didn't love Ste because he was perfect. I loved him because he wasn't.

It had been 2 months since Ste and I had had that... misunderstanding that had lead to his unemployment. I probably overreacted a bit, well that was what I did best really, but Steven was pushing me. Thinking he could understand everything that went on in my head. No one can understand the things that go on in my head, not even young Steven. Though he is the only one that ever came close I suppose. So maybe I shouldn't of sacked Steven but then he had to push me again, didn't he? Had to see how far he could push me before I snapped. And snap I did. When I found out he had hid Declan from me, well, I couldn't help from punching him. He'd went too far, as usual. Sometimes I wonder if the lad's all there. I mean there's bravery and guts and then there's stupidity. I'm not sure which one he is. He always did manage to push my buttons and , no matter what it cost him, he would always manage to do it again and again. Testing my boundaries, seeing how far this game we play would go. And it was a game - to start with. A manipulative, endearing, purely physical game. A game made even better from the fact Steven used to be straight. The poor lad didn't know what hit him when I came along. I almost felt sorry for him. But I couldn't resist playing with him. He ticked all the boxes; young, small, attractive (very attractive to be honest) and he worked in the club so he was easily assessable. It was fun at first, watching him idolize me as we became "friends". Everything was going according to plan, right up until that first kiss. Ste decided to take control - something I hadn't expected. I reacted by sending him away, he had took me off guard at first but, after he'd left, I began to realize it may not have been so bad after all. At least I knew we were on the same page, so to speak - all that was left to do was reassert control and get on with the next step of the game; sex.

But I'd underestimated Steven - underestimated just how much I'd want him, underestimated just how much I'd want to posses him; heart, mind, body and soul. I was unprepared. Before I knew it I was knee deep in feelings I didn't understand with a man I didn't understand. Steven was a riddle alright. He was weak but could be strong. He was honest, an open book most of the time, but he could be manipulative. He was kind and loving but also violent and unpredictable. He could be jealous and cocky but he could be shy and vulnerable as well. He hated me sometimes but loved me always. And that was how we worked really, always dancing on that thin line between love and hate - seeing who would be the one to step too far out of line. When it was Steven who stepped out of line, I'd put him right with a punch or slap. If I stepped outta line he'd hurt me, maybe even more than I hurt him. When Ste was provoked enough, he could hurt me but not with his fists - no, it was his words that he used. He always managed to break through my walls and find my weaknesses - then he'd throw them back in my face. Manipulation. Ste wasn't strong enough to hurt me physically so he hurt me in any other way he could. And that's why we were so similar - him and me. Maybe even why we loved each other. It was certainly why things had ended up so out of hand. We were both survivors. Steven had been to Hell and back as a kid - just like me. He knew the score - just like me. People were useless, they never failed to let ya down. Even family. Especially family. If you ever relied on anyone, ever let yourself need them even for a second, everything would come crashing down. Steven knew this. That's why he wasn't like everyone else - surrounded by a load of people all the time. Even the few friends he had, he never let them close. Well, except maybe Amy. But I knew there was still a part of him that he never let her see. Never let anyone see - just like me.

Before I met Steven, I was bulletproof. Nothing to prove, nothing to lose and everything to gain. That's why I left Ireland, well partly why I left Ireland. My kids meant to much to me and that was deadly for a man like me - a man that plays dangerous games with dangerous people. Besides, they were better of without me - I'd only mess them up, make them like me. But Steven wasn't better off without me. He was already messed up and he was already like me. But whilst I'm around at least I can protect him - from everything, anything that might hurt him. Yes, I'd hurt him before but that was different. I wasn't using him. I even loved him. No one else could love him. Not in the same way I loved him. Our love was special - a bond built on control and manipulation; lust and passion; pain and anger; games and secrets. But most importantly an unquenchable need for one another that resulted in fierce loyalty and trust that could not be broken. He is mine, I am his. That loyalty was why I killed Danny; he threatened to hurt Steven and no one hurts Steven - except me. And that loyalty was the same reason Ste hadn't told the police about me (and believe me, he has a lot he could tell the police; murder, assault, drug dealing e.c.t). But no matter how much he hates me at the time, he wouldn't do that.

But everything had went too far. I'd hurt him too many times, lied to him too many times. I'd promised him the world and took it away in the blink of an eye. Steven had trusted me, needed me, loved me and I'd done what everyone else did: let him down. I hated myself for it but I didn't get a second chance. Not this time. Steven learnt quickly; trusting me had been a mistake that he'd soon rectified by shutting me out of his life just like he did with the rest of the world. I'd somehow managed to break that previously unbreakable bond we had shared. It's no wonder he hadn't visited me in prison. But that didn't mean it hadn't hurt when each day thoughts of him haunted me but I couldn't do a thing about it because he wouldn't come and see me. So I'd done what I always do when I feel hurt or scared or threatened - I shut down. So when I got out of prison, I pretended like me and Steven had never even happened. I pretended that I didn't need him; that I didn't want him; that I didn't love him. Though inside I felt like my heart was being sliced open. I knew I'd never move on, not really. I would never be able to let go of Steven completely, not in a million years. But I could occupy myself with a bunch of random blokes who, if not satisfied me, at least took my mind off of him for a while. That was the plan anyway. It wasn't working out though. There was one problem, no matter where I picked them up, no matter who they were or what they looked like, no matter where we went. Because they weren't him. They didn't have a scarred soul and stubborn mind. They couldn't make me smile or laugh by telling terrible jokes. They couldn't tell how I was feeling just by looking in my eyes. They couldn't understand what was going on in my head. They didn't know who I was, not really. They didn't have the ability to look me in the eyes and tell me they love me, even whilst I held them against a wall. They didn't understand the games I play. They couldn't set my skin on fire with the merest brush of their finger tips. Because they weren't him. There was only one person in the world who could do those things. Steven. And even after everything that happened, even if he hated me and I hated him. He'd always be mine. I'd always be his, even if I never admitted it aloud.

It hadn't taken long to get the guy to leave with me. As soon as I arrived, I could tell he fancied me. With little work I soon found myself in his house, pinning the guy, whose name I'd forgotten, against the wall while my tongue explored his mouth. The man was youngish, around 25 or so, with blond hair and a slight build. I should have been enjoying myself, I suppose. But I wasn't. Everything was wrong. He didn't kiss me like _he_ kissed me. His hands were pressed against the wall instead of around my neck like _he_ would have done. He scent was unfamiliar unlike the Lynx deodorant that _he_ would have wore. He tasted like peppermint - that was nothing compared to the addicting taste that can only be described as pure Steven. I pulled away, trying to shake the delicious memories out of my head. I had been a fool, thinking I could forget about him by sleeping with some randomer. Kissing this guy had only highlighted his absence. I wanted to scream in frustration. The guy (Ben? James? I couldn't think of his name) had his hands around my waist now and was trying to pull me towards him again. Couldn't he tell I'd had enough?  
>"Get off." I told him, frustrated.<br>"Come on. You were up for it a minute ago." He smiled, still not removing his hands.  
>"Oi said get ya hands off meh." I growled, low and menacing.<br>"What's the problem?" He said, frowning. He finally let go of me.  
>"You are." I replied though it wasn't strictly true. The problem was me and the thoughts I couldn't get out of my head.<br>"What have I done? I thought you wanted this?"  
>"Oi did. And now oi don't." I snarled.<br>The poor bloke looked at me as if I was crazy - maybe I was, I wasn't sure anymore.  
>"So...what d'ya wanna do then?" He asked. In answer to his question, I grabbed my coat and left. After closing the door on a shocked looking guy, I walked down the unfamiliar street towards my car. The cool night air helped calm my frazzled nerves and gave me a chance to think. Is that what it would always be like? Me, obsessing over the past, never moving on. It was pathetic and I didn't do pathetic. I hated Steven for what he'd reduced me to. But I loved him because he could make me feel things no one else could.<p>

By Rachey Ayyy xx


	2. The new guy

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Hollyoaks ( except Alex which I made up :D ) I hope you like it. I know it's short - sorry about that. I'll make sure the next one is longer. I tried to make it easier to read by spacing it out more.

Brendan

After the incedent yesterday with that bloke, I was feeling pretty pissed of. I mean, what the Hell? I was Brendan Brady - master of manipulation and control. I hadn't seen Steven in weeks (It seems he'd been avoiding me - not that I blame him) and yet I still couldn't get him out of my head. This wasn't like me. In fact this was so unlike me that it was severly freaking me it out. I know I used to think I was...well...in love with the guy but that had been a mistake, a simple gliche in my mind. I wasn't in love with him now. I wasn't. Yesterday had pushed me over the edge and I couldn't love him any more. I wouldn't let myself. It made me too vulnerable and I didn't _do_ vulnerable. Vulnerable was not a word in my vocabulary - unless I was using it to describe someone else. So, in order to reassurt control and show I didn't love him, I was going to have to seduce Steven. And then, when he was gagging for it, I was going to have to tell him to take a hike. Because I couldn't sleep with him. No, that would make things worse. But, if I could be that close and then turn him down, it would prove I was back to being my old self. Yes, that's what I would do. I was feeling better already.

I was standing outside of Chez Chez, staring out at Hollyoaks from my vantage point up high. That's when I saw him. Steven. He was talking to Rhys and they were laughing about something. I felt a bit jealous, seeing Ste enjoying himself without me, but I told myself to get a grip. I was trying to prove I was over Steven, not acting like a possessive ...well... boyfriend. But I couldn't help myself, I stared down at the face I had thought about so much it had become a permanent fixture in my mind. It was good to see him smiling, even if it wasn't at me.

My thoughts were interuppted by a shout. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Ste Hay."

Ste turned towards the voice and stood, gaping for a second before grinning. "Alex!"

"The one and only." he replied. I looked at 'Alex'. He was about Steven's age, tall, slim with short-cut blonde hair.

"What you doin' ere?" Ste asked, laughing.

"Why? Didn't ya miss me?" Alex replied.

I couldn't make out what they said afterwards but Steven just couldn't stop grinning. Who _was_ this guy? I was going to have to find out.

Ste

"Why didn't ya miss me?" Alex asked. _Yes,_ I wanted to say but of course didn't.

"Nah." I joked.

"Who's this?" Asked Rhys. I'd forgotten he was even here.

"Rhys meet Alex. Alex, Rhys." I said, gesturing.

"Ste's an old mate a mine. Aren't ya, Ste?"

"Yeah. We er..." I trailed of as I saw who was approaching.

Brendan was trying to look nochalant but he wasn't fooling me. I knew he'd been staring at me from outside Chez Chez. I wasn't blind. Could he be jealous?

"Rhys, I wanted a word with you about work." Like Hell you do, I thought to myself. You just want to know who I'm talking to 'cause you're a possessive bastard. "Come in later. Good? Good."

"Hello Steven."

"Brendan." I replied evenly.

"And who's you're ...friend?" He asked, looking Alex up and down. I smirked.

"Brendan, this is m' mate, Alex. Alex this is Brendan Brady. The local nut job." I couldn't help tormenting him a little. He should have minded his own damn buisness. Rhys flinched - literally _flinched_. He was probably wondering why I was purposefully provoking Brendan. I didn't know why I did it, it's just what me and Brendan do - mess with each other.

"Now, now Steven. Play nice. You never seemed to mind before, now did ya?" He laughed. But not a normal laugh. He did that laugh that he did when he knew it wasn't funny and he knew he was making people feel uncomfortable. It made him seem like a pyscho.

"Funny. How long did it take you t' think that one up?" I replied, acidily. He just smiled.

"Erm...I'm gonna go and... see Jackie. Bye." Rhys said, awkwardly.

"See ya later, Rhys." I said.

"Yeah, nice to meet ya." Said Alex, smiling.

"You too. Bye." He practically ran away.

"Well, Brendan. It's good to see ya can still scare people off in less that a minute. I was beginning to think ya'd lost ya touch." I said, looking at Rhys's retreating form and shaking my head.

"So, how do you two know each other?" Asked Alex, meaning me and Brendan.

Before I could reply, Brendan answered, "Me and Steven go way back, ain't that right Steven?" He placed a hand around my shoulder. It wasn't friendly in the least though. It was like a mark of ownership, Brendan obviously wasn't finished playing with me. Too bad I wasn't playing by his rules any more.

"And yet you still can't get his name right." Said Alex, raising an eyebrow. I snickered, I couldn't help it. Most people don't stand up to Brendan Brady. In fact the only people I'd ever seen do it was me, Amy, Warren and maybe Cheryl. I shrugged of his hand and walked towards Alex.

"We should go for a drink, catch up. You up for it?" I asked Alex, ignoring Brendan's presence completely.

"Yeah. How 'bout now?" He replied.

"Great." I looked back at Brendan. "I'd invite you along but...well...I don't want to. See ya."

I wouldn't allow Brendan to mess with me again. I still loved him, I wasn't deluded - I knew how I felt. But it wasn't about love anymore. No, now it was about payback.

Rachey Ayyy xx


	3. A favor for a friend

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters (apart from Alex). Hiyaa! Thanks for reading. It was meant to be longer but I've been having writers block lately :(

If you have any ideas please let me know! I know where the story is going but it might take me a while to get there! I'm sorry about the amount of dialog but I thought it was needed. I'll try to show their feelings more next time.

**Ste**

"What was his problem?" Asked Alex. What a question.

We were sitting in The Dog after the incident with Brendan. I sipped my drink to avoid answering for a second. What was Brendan's problem? Well, he had a few. In fact, I was pretty sure even a professional pschologist couldn't find out all of them. He was a manipulative, possessive, jealous sonofabitch but, then again, so was I. Whenever I saw Brendan with another guy I wanted to smack them. Not that I'd ever let Brendan know that.

"I dunno. He's mental." I replied. I didn't want Alex to know about my connection with Brendan. I had no idea how he'd react, I mean we were mates and everything. We made a great team but Alex was someone from my past and, well, my past wasn't a pretty place.

"Seemed like you two knew each other pretty well." He said. I looked at him and saw he was staring at me intently, waiting for my reaction.

"I wouldn't say that." It wasn't a _lie _exactly. I mean, did anyone _really _know Brendan? Even me?

"Sure." He said sarcastically. "Whatever you say."

"What are ya tryin' to get at?" I asked.

"He was jealous and we were only talking. There was obviously something between you." He looked at me to explain but I stayed silent.

"Ste, I know you're gay."

"What?" I asked, shocked.

"I knew since I met you." He explained.

"How could you have knew then. I didn't even know then." I said, confused.

"Dunno." He shrugged. " I just always thought you were. I just never pushed it because...well it's not the type of thing you talk about in there."

" 'suppose not." I replied. I knew what he meant.

"So were you and the Irish psychopath together then?" He asked, curious.

"What's it to you?" I said, defensive. "What're ya doin' here anyway?"

"Erm...well I came looking for you." He confessed.

"Why?"

"I need help. You're one of the only people I'd trust."

"I haven't seen ya in years. Why now?"

"Well. ..err...I think we should talk about this somewhere else. More private." I looked at him suspiciously but didn't object.

A couple of minutes later we were standing in an alley way. Not the best place to have a conversation but I wasn't taking him back to my flat and I had no where else to go.

"So what is it you need help with?" I asked, wanting to know but scared of what sort of trouble he'd got himself in and what he wanted me to do.

"I need money. Alot of it." He said, straight to the point.

"Well you've wasted you're time seeing me, then. I'm skint." I replied.

"But...the thing is...well..." I'd never seen him this flustered. Usually he was confident about everything.

"Spit it out Alex." I ordered.

"I wanted to know if you still did drugs. I mean if you still sell them. Because if you do, I want in."

"You want me to give you drugs?"

"No. I want to sell them, too. You know, to get some extra cash 'n' that." He replied, nervously.

"You shouldn't have come. I don't do that anymore." I hissed, angry at him.

"What?" He looked confused, like it had never occured to him I might be different to the messed up kid he used to know.

"I'm not like that anymore." I explained. "I don't deal drugs, or nick cars or 'out."

"But you don't understand. I _need_ this. I owe some people..."

"It doesn't matter." I interrupted, "I can't help ya."

"But we're mates. I need ya help Ste." Seeing that I still looked unconvinced he added, "I'd help if it was you."

"Look, I've changed. I'm not that person anymore."

"People like us, Ste. They don't change. A leopard doesn't change it's spotts. How many times did I help you out when you needed it? You wouldn't have survived two minutes without me. We're mates. We have each others backs, yeah?"

"I know what you did for me before but it's different now." I said, willing him to drop it.

"Why?" He demanded.

"I've got too much to lose."

"Fine. Be like that. If you won't help me, I'll have to find someone else. That irish guy we were talking to, Brendan. He looked well dodgy. I'll bet he'll have some work that needs doing."

"No!"

"Why not?" He raised an eyebrow.

"He'll screw ya over. He doesn't give a damn and you'll end up in trouble. I know him, know what he's like." I explained.

"I bet you do." He smirked.

"Alex" I warned.

"Okay. So if not him then who?" He asked, persistent.

"Look, I'll try to sort out something, okay? But I'm not promising anything." I sighed.

"Thanks." He said, grinning. "This is why you're my best mate." He joked, pushing me playfully.

"Yeah, whatever."

**Brendan**

I saw Steven and Alex leaving The Dog. They looked suspicious so I followed them. I didn't like Alex. Ste'd never mentioned him before and now, suddenly, out-of-the-blue, he turns up. I didn't like the apparent bond that Steven shared with him or the way Alex, the cocky prick, had spoken to me. I know Ste was cocky but I didn't mind it, in fact I liked it. But with Alex it just annoyed me. I wanted to know everything there was to know about him. I believe in knowing your enemy and that is what Alex had now become. I know I was supposed to have been proving I didn't love Steven anymore, but the rules of our game had changed.

They went down the alley way and now my curiousity out weighed my fear of Steven finding out I was following him. I stood just outside of the alley so they couldn't see me and, although they were speaking quitely, I could just make out what they were discussing. Alex wanted Ste to get a job selling drugs but Ste refused. Good. I hoped Steven told the guy to take a hike and leave him alone.

"Brendan. He looked well dodgy. I'll bet he'll have some work that needs doing." I was intrigued now. He wanted to sell drugs for me. Well, there was only one way that could end in my mind. I smiled.

"No!"

"Why not?" Yes, Steven, why not?

"He'll screw ya over. He doesn't give a damn and you'll end up in trouble. I know him, know what he's like." Damn. That's a shame. But my thoughts lingered on the last words he said. _I know him, know what he's like_

It was true, I suppose. He had known what would happen if Alex had come to me. I didn't know whether to be angry that he knew how I thought, fearful or relieved.

Then I heard something that made me want to scream. "Look, I'll try to sort out something, okay? But I'm not promising anything." What the Hell? Steven was going to help him? What if he got in trouble? Didn't he care? He could get sent down for drug dealing.

"This is why you're my best mate." I rolled my eyes. I was liking Alex less and less. But, before this went any further, I'd have to have a word with Steven. Make him see sense. He shouldn't be doing dodgy stuff with Alex. If he helped anyone with illegal things, it should have been me.

Rachey Ayyy xx


	4. Jealousy

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own the characters from Hollyoaks. I'm really sorry this update has took so long; my laptop broke and it's only just been fixed. Hope it was worth the wait! I'll try and post much more often now though. Enjoy and, if you wouldn't mind, please review. Comments. critisism & ideas are all welcome. I want to thank everyone who's reading for putting up with my inconsistant posts!

P.S sorry it's short!

* * *

><p><strong>Ste<strong>

I hadn't seen Alex in two days. I'd told him that I'd try to help him and I would. Unfortunately, it was going to be harder than I'd thought. If Warren weren't in prison, I might've asked him. I'd tried some people I used to know but I either couldn't get in touch with them or they couldn't help me. I was running out of ideas and running out of them fast. There was, of course, someone else I could go to: Brendan Brady. However, both my common sense and my pride wouldn't allow me to ask him for anything, especially not a favor for a friend. It was more than likely that, if Alex did mix with Brendan, Brendan's jealously would get the better of him and Alex would end up in deep trouble. Also, Ste hated to admit it but a small part of him didn't want Alex to have a relationship, any sort of relationship, with Brendan. He was going to have to speak to Alex, tell him he couldn't help him after all.

I sat on the bench in the park, phone in hand, preparing to tell Alex the news. Before I could select his number someone sat down next to me.

"Hello Stephen." the familiar voice sent shivers down my spine.

"What d'ya want Brendan?" I said, frustrated, without looking up - I knew it was him, I'd know that voice anywhere.

"I want alot of things." He said, mysteriously.

"Who doesn't?" I sighed.

"But, right now, I want to know why ya trying to help your _friend_," he said the word with distaste, "sell drugs and why ya didn't come to me for help."

I laughed without humor; I should have known he'd find out. "Dunno what ya talkin' 'bout."

" 'Course ya don't. That's why ya were talking to him in the alley."

"So what if I was?" I growled.

"I just want to help." He said innocently.

"Like hell ya do. You help no one but yourself."

"Now that's not true." He pretended to look shocked but ending up looking menacing.

"You must have forgotten, Brendan. But I know you; know what you're like. You look after number one - everyone else is just pawns, toys that can be used. You won't help me and you certainly won't help Alex." I was getting tired of the act - I wish he would just tell me what he wanted instead of playing these games.

"Okay. Fine. So maybe I wouldn't have helped Alex but you...I would've helped you." His face portrayed no emotion.

"Yeah, because we're such good friends." I replied sarcastically.

"We were once." He said, defensive.

"We've been alot of things Bren, but we've never been friends." I silently cursed myself for accidently using the old, affectionate nick-name. Old habbits die hard, I guess.

"Fine. I get it. You don't trust me." He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

"Yeah, you're right. I don't!" I spat.

"Look Stephen, you and me aren't on great terms right now; I get that, I do. But do ya know what you're getting yourself into?"

"I'm helping a mate. I owe Alex." I didn't know why I was even explaining anything to him.

"What d'ya owe him? Where d'ya even know 'im from?" Brendan continued, unrelenting.

"I met him in Juvie, alright? He was my best friend, my only proper friend. Alex was the only one I trusted in there. I met him on my first day. I'd gotten into a fight with some lads - they thought they were proper hard cases. It was three against one and Alex evened it out."

"Who won?" Brendan asked.

"We did." I smiled, "After that, he showed me around and we grew close. He was a right arragant son-of-a-bitch but he was funny and we got along. Any scraps we got into, we looked out for each other."

"How..._nice_." He said, though it sounded like he thought it was anything but nice.

**Brendan**

I was jealous and I hated it. I wasn't even sure why I was jealous; if it was because Alex was from Stephen's past - something I wasn't part of; or because Stephen still cared about him when he didn't care about me; or maybe it was because I'd always considered me and him a team, looking out for each other and no one else (family not included). It sounded pathetic but it stung, knowing Alex and Stephen had been close. It was obvious that Ste was loyal to Alex and I didn't like it. Stephen was mine. I'd do _anything _for him, I'd crossed lines for him that I'd never thought I'd cross - I'd _killed _for him. It doesn't get much more loyal than that. I wasn't about to lose him now, especially not to some kid from juvie. It didn't matter that he hadn't came to prison, it didn't even matter that he'd believed I'd killed them girls. It didn't matter that I didn't want to love him. All that mattered was that I _did _love him and I couldn't lose him, not now. I'd come too far with Stephen. It was like an obsession: a passionate, crazy, possive, completely out-of-this-world obsession otherwise known as being madly in love.

I wondered what Stephen had been like, back then. I could imagine what he would've been like- cockier, more violent, more defensive, more of a temper. All of them traits that Stephen still possessed but they were mellowed; he was more in control of himself. However, I knew that, when pushed, he was capable of lashing out and using manipulation to get what he wants, alot like me. I still remembered the time he hit me over the head and I'd ended up in hospital. I'd gotten a glimpse of bad-boy-turned-good Ste's dark past and the person he used to be. Not the caring father and all-around nice guy persona he hid behind but the messed-up, distrustful person he was inside. Which Stephen did Alex know? Or did he know them both, like me? Does Alex know Stephen as well as I do? That worried me. I'd always thought me and Stephen had an understanding; we knew each other better than anyone else; we were loyal to each other over anyone else; we loved each other more than anyone else; and we hurt each other more than anyone else because we didn't do anything half way. He was mine, I was his. When we kissed, it was like nothing else on Earth. When we fucked, it was indescribable. But when we fought, we tore each other to pieces. We knew each others strengths and each others weaknesses. We were a part of something seperate from the rest of the world, we were a team. The thought of Alex having anything even remotely close to what me and Stephen had made me sick, physically sick. I didn't care if I was over-reacting. I didn't know if Alex was gay or if he and Stephen were anything more than friends. I didn't care. Alex could fuck off because I was Brendan Brady and no one, _no one_, takes what's mine.

Rachey Ayy xx


	5. Infuriating

Disclaimer: I do not own Hollyoaks or it's characters. Hiya! Thanks for reading, please comment and enjoy...! (By the way, this is immediately continued from the previous chapter)

**Ste**

"How..._nice_." He said, though it sounded like he thought it was anything but nice.

"Whatever Brendan. I don't even know why I'm telling you any of this. It's none of your buisness."

"I get that Alex is your mate. You want to help 'im out. But, drugs?" He looked at me like I was insane. "Seriously?"

"Look who's talking." I said, indignantly, "If the police knew half of what I know about you, you'd get sent down for years."

"Yeah, but they don't know anything and you're not gonna tell them." Brendan replied confidently.

"And you're not gonna tell the police anything 'bout me or Alex."

"You sure?" He taunted.

"Yeah. And, anyway, I can't help 'im out. I don't know anyone who still does it. Well, apart from you but Alex ain't going anywhere near you." I sighed, knowing I couldn't help my friend.

"And why wouldn't he come anywhere near me?" He smirked.

"Because I told him not to. You'll just get him in trouble."

"I can be very...persuasive." He grinned. He was so smug, so annoyingly sure of himself.

I glared at him, "Get over yourself Brendan. You think you're so irrisistable. Well, you're not."

"That's not what you said before. There must be something about me that keeps bringing you back, I mean, you could never really stay away could you?"

"You were one of the biggest mistakes of my life and I'm never going back." I growled, "Now I'm gonna go, see you around. Or not, if you finally take the hint and leave me alone."

I got up and walked away. I had to. He was so infuriating; everything about him infuriated me. However, what really wound me up was the fact that my feelings towards him hadn't changed. Surely, after everything we'd been through, I shouldn't still care about him. But maybe that was the problem; we'd been through so much together and that's gotta create some sort of bond. I knew a part of me hated him because of everything he'd done; another part of me feared him because he was capable of hurting me so much - physically and emotionally; another part of me pitied him because he was so messed up, he hated himself so much; but another part of me, a big part, loved him. And it was that part that had driven me back to him time and time again. But now I was finally pulling myself together - I had to. All the lies, all the pain, all the games - being with Brendan was killing me. But being without Brendan was killing me. Everytime I was around him I was conflicted. I wanted him, yet I didn't want him. I loved him, yet I hated him. I was so confused, I was such a mess. But I wasn't going to tell Brendan that. No, he already thought I belonged to him. He thought he owned me but he didn't.

I needed to get my life back on track; not just for me, but for Amy and the kids as well. Maybe, in the past, I could've threw my life away on a chance, a tiny, one-in-a-million chance, that Brendan could change. But I couldn't now. I couldn't be selfish; all my life, all I'd ever done was think of number one. Well, it was time to put others first. Besides, I didn't want to be like this. It was pathetic. _I_ was pathetic. What had Brendan fucking Brady reduced me to? I wasn't some trembling, feeble, pitiful cry-baby but it's how I acted in front of him. I mean, what the Hell? When I was a kid and Terry used to beat me up, I promised myself I would never, under any circumstances, play the victim again. Yet there I was, letting Brendan punch me and then running back to him afterwards. What was wrong with me? I hadn't even tried to defend myself; well, not much. I remember when I hit him over the head and landed him in hospital. I thought that would show him that I wasn't going to let him mess me around. Wrong.

My phone rang, interupting my thoughts. I looked at the caller ID. Alex. Well, I was going to call him anyway.

"Hi Alex."

"Hiya Ste. Look, I need to talk to you."

"Wait." I interupted, "Me first. That thing I was helping you with. I can't. I've tried everything but I can't do it. I'm so-"

"Ste." It was his turn to interupt, "It's okay. I called to tell you I didn't need your help anymore. I inherited some money from my grandad. I payed the guy I owed and he got sent down so I know he won't be bothering me again."

"Sent down for what?" I asked, curious.

"Ironically, drug dealing." He laughed, "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come out with me. You know, to celebrate."

"Erm, yeah. Sounds good." I replied.

"How 'bout tonight?" He suggested.

"I'll have to check with Amy but it'll probably be okay."

"Right. Great. See ya later then."

"See ya." I cut off the call.

It looked as though I had plans. I made my way home to see Amy and the kids.

Rachey Ayy xx


	6. Full of suprises

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hollyoaks or it's characters (apart from Alex)

Hiya! It's been a while. I'm terrible with these posts! Sorry! I included more of Ste's POV in this one; it shows his thoughts on Brendan and why he is who he is. Please comment / review and I hope 2 hear from you! Enjoy!

**Brendan**

I was heading home after speanding the day at Chez Chez. Cheryl had finally decided to start and pull her weight at the club and I'd took the night of, leaving her in charge. I heard voices and instantly recognised one of them as Stephen's. Him and Alex were making their way towards me. I looked Stephen up and down. He was wearing jeans and a shirt. A _shirt._ Since when did he have any sense of style at all? I'd never seen him wear a shirt before. Well, not a nice one anyway. But this one was maroon and he looked good in it. His hair was kind of stylishly messy and his skin was as flawless as always. I spared a glance at Alex. Up until this point I'd never really looked at him closely before. His hair was blonde and he was around Stephen's age and height. He wasn't anywhere near as good-looking as Stephen but he was alright. They were laughing and didn't notice me until I was right infront of them.

When Stephen saw me his face become a mask, revealing nothing. "Alright Brendan?" he asked coolly, as though we barely knew each other,

"Yeah, great. You?" I replied.

"Fine." he said, emotionless.

Alex must of noticed the tension between us. He was looking back and forth between us as though he feared one of us was going to explode any minute.

"So, where are you's going?" I asked, never taking my eyes of Ste's face. I wanted him to show me something, anything, that even hinted as to how he felt. But he revealed nothing. _Nothing_. I'd always thought of him as an open book, wearing his heart on his sleave, but he apparently had a pretty good poker face.

"We're going to town. Hitting some clubs and that." Said Alex when it was clear Stephen wasn't going to reply. "You can come if you want, I suppose."

What game was he playing? He didn't like me, at least I was pretty sure he didn't. So why invite me? I looked at Stephen but his face was still unreadable. He gave no acknowledgement of Alex's offer.

"Er, no. I'll leave it." I said. At my response, Stephen smiled. Now that pissed me of. I wasn't used to be ignored and if he didn't want me to go then I would definately be joining them. "Actually, forget that. I'll come."

"What?" Ste choked, staring at me.

"I said, I'll come." I smirked, "That's not a problem, is it?"

"No, I just didn't think it was your style." He replied, face once again the emotionless mask.

"Well, I always like to suprise people."

"We were gonna get a taxi there. Do you mind?" Alex asked

"Not at all,"

**Ste**

The ride to the club was awkward as hell. It seemed that me and Brendan were back to playing games. What did he want? Did he simply want to ruin my life, take away everything and everyone I cared about? Like Alex? Is that what this was about, didn't he like me hanging around with Alex? Was he jealous? I knew he was really possessive but we weren't even together anymore. Did he want to get back together? Is that why he was here or was he simply bored? Maybe he just wanted to be mates. No, Brendan didn't have mates; he had enemies and allies. God, what was I doing. I was trying to guess what was going on in Brendan's head. I should've known it was impossible. Something he had said echoed in my mind.

_I always like to suprise people._

He'd got that right. Brendan Brady was full of suprises, most of 'em bad. How many times had Brendan suprised me?

One of the first times had been in the celler, when he'd kissed me. I'd been sure he was gonna smack me. He'd followed me down there and I'd been terrified. But instead of the hit I'd been expecting, he kissed me. At first I was too shocked to respond. Then, when I did, it was mind-blowing. I mean, Brendan was a good kisser but it was the first time I'd kissed a guy before and I was so confused. But that kiss had been all about Brendan - he'd been completely in control, almost leading me.

He'd suprised me when he'd hit me. I'd thought that I'd understood him, just for a second and that had been a mistake. A terrible mistake. Brendan was complicated but also, in some ways, simple. Them first times - the first time he'd kissed me and the first time he'd hit me - I hadn't understood him but now, after everything, I thought I understood him alot more.

He was gay, obviously, but didn't want people to think it made him weak. He was all about control; it probably had something to do with his dad - I knew from personal experience how much that could mess you up. The psycho, hard guy face he showed the world was meant to stop people from getting close to him. I knew the feeling; the feeling of fearing people who were close to you. If you let people close, you'd get used to them being there, you'd start trusting them, relying on them. And that, well that would only get you hurt. Because the closer you were to somebody, the more they could hurt you.

I knew he loved me. In a sick twisted way, he loved me. It hadn't been part of his plan, I knew that too. He never would have got involved with me if he'd known how messy it would become. I probably would of stayed the hell away as well. But it was too late now. Alot of what he'd done has been to keep me, I suppose. He'd killed Danny to keep me. God, how mental was that? He was a murderer, for fucks sake.

Brendan Brady was a God damn _murderer_. And he'd done it for me. _Me. _I should of went to the police and let them lock him up for life. But, of course, I didn't and I never would. Because he was Brendan Brady and he'd done it for me. How could I hate him when I knew, deep down, that I would of done the same thing if it meant Brendan living instead of dying? I'd never had someone care for me that much. Noah wouldn't even leave his job for me and Brendan killed for me. He was so fucking possessive. He'd tried to get Noah to cheat on me to get rid of him. Now that had suprised me. I'd been angry and hurt and confused. I hadn't loved Noah, not really and deep down I knew that but I hated Brendan for, yet again, taking my choices away from me and leaving me as his and his alone. I wasn't his. Well, that was a lie. He would always have a piece of me. But he didn't own me or anything.

But what he'd done to get me back had suprised me more than anything else he'd ever done or said. He told me that he loved me. I'd come around his - I'm not really sure why. I think that it was to say goodbye, sort of. I'd thought it was finally over for good and I wanted to talk to him to make it final: no more me and Brendan. How wrong was I?

_I love ya Stephen. That's what I didn't tell ya. I love ya. _God, if he'd said anything else it wouldn't have made a difference. It was over and I was going to leave. But he hadn't said anything else, he'd said _that_. It had broken my heart into a million pieces. For so long I'd wanted to hear it and then, when I'm finally ready to let him go, he tells me. We'd made love right then and there. I was so fucking happy, nothing could have brought me down. Well, nothing except Eilleen. She decided to show up and then my pretty little lie shattered and I saw the truth. Brendan wasn't going to change. What a _suprise_! Yes Brendan was full of them and I was sick of guessing what they were. So, instead of arguing with him, confronting him, trying to second guess him - I just dropped it. Let it go. I sat in the cab, Brendan in the front and Alex beside me, and finally let it go. I wasn't going to let Brendan play with me again. If he wanted to come with us, fine. If he wanted to screw up my life then let the bastard try.

When we arrived at the club (it was a straight club because Alex was straight and it was his celebration after all) Brendan insisted on paying the driver.

Before we went in I walked over to Brendan, "You sure you wanna come?" I asked.

"Why not?" He smirked. He thought he was getting under my skin or something, he thought he was bothering me by being here. How wrong he was.

"I just don't think it's your kinda place. But if you're sure..." I held up my hands in a gesture of surender before going back to Alex and lining up for the club.

**Brendan (an hour later)**

Stephen had been right. This was not my kind of place. The florecent lights were annoying my eyes and the music was killing my ears. The whole club was packed full of people from 18 - late twenties. Ste fitted right in. Him and Alex had been dancing aroud with the majority of people here. He looked like he was enjoying himself. I'm suprised he could still walk - earlier, a load of lads, including Stephen and Alex, had been drinking shots. I'd never seen him like this, he looked younger than usual - for once he actually looked his age. He wasn't the guy who'd had a crappy upbringing and had to learn to take care of himself. He wasn't the father of two kids who he had to support. Right now he was just another guy in his early twenties, out drinking and having fun with his mate. I stared at him whilst I sipped my drink. He had a stupid grin on his face whilst he jumped (does that class as dancing?) to the music like everyone else. Alex pulled him towards the bar to grab another drink. I noticed that I needed a refill and went to join them.

"Hiya Brendan." Stephen grinned when I arrived.

"You having fun?" Asked Alex.

"Yeah it's...great." I replied, drily.

"You should come dance." Ste said, still grinning.

"Your alright." I told him.

"Hey! Your Alex, right?" Two girls had come over. The one who'd spoken was blonde whilst the other was a brunette and slightly taller. They were both around 22/23 and quite pretty in a covered-in-make-up kind of way.

"Yeah, you're Cathy, right?" Alex replied, clearly eyeing them up.

"That's me! And this is Laura."

The brunette, Laura, looked at Steven, "And who is this?" She said flirtatiously.

"I'm Ste." He smiled.

"D'ya want to dance, Ste?"

"Love too." He looked at me, "See ya, Brendan."

Alex and the other girl, Cathy, followed them. What was he doing? I watched them for a few seconds; Laura was practically drooling over him. It was disgusting. Why the hell was he dancing with her? He couldn't fancy her, could he? No, he was gay. Definately. But what was he doing then? We were playing games again. Well I didn't mind playing games but I didn't like losing. I walked over to Stephen

"Come with me a second, won't ya Stephen?" I purred, pulling him by the arm.

"What are ya doing? Get of!" He pulled his arm back.

"I want a word wi' ya." I told him.

"Why?" He glared at me.

"Just come outside a sec."

"Fine!" He stormed out and, once we were outside, he spun around to face me.

"What do ya want?" He practically shouted.

"What d'ya think ya playing at?" I growled.

"What are you on about?"

"In there with that girl, what were ya doing?"

"What?" He frowned, "We were dancing."

"You were trying to make me jealous!" I accused, "Why?"

"Oh, I get it now! You didn't like me talking to someone else." He shook his head, "You possessive Bastard!"

"No, I don't like you trying to mess with me. You shouldn't try to play games: you'll lose." I hissed.

"Oh, will I?" He laughed without humor. "I wasn't even trying to play games - that was you. But if you want me to, then bring it on!"

"What you on about, it was me playing games!" I shouted, "It was you flirting with some tart."

"She wasn't 'some tart'! And what d'ya care anyway? It's none of your buisness! You came here because you didn't like me hanging around with Alex cause he doesn't have anything to do with you!"

"No, that's not w-"

"Shut up!" He interupted, "You don't want me to move on! Admit it! You don't want me but you want me to want you anyway. Well, wake up Brendan! I hate you! I don't want anything to do with you. You're nothing, no one!"

"Leave it." I warned. My temper was rising and I knew I would snap. He just wouldn't leave it. Why wouldn't he leave it?

"No! Why can't you just leave me alone! It's pathetic!" He shouted. He was right in my face, pushing all my buttons. I couldn't help it. I punched him. He sunk down next the wall, clutching his stomach.

"What the hell?" yelled Alex. Where'd he come from? He grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. "You're gonna regret that!" he snarled. Before I could react, Steven was up on his feat and pulling Alex away.

"Leave it, Alex." He said. I looked at him. He was still clutching his stomach but he wasn't crying. He was looking me in the eyes and I knew in that moment I'd went too far. All my anger drained out of me, leaving me strangely empty.

"Stephen - " I tried to say something, anything, to make this better but I didn't get the chance.

"No Brendan. Just stop, will ya? Just stop." He told me before looking at Alex. "Come on, Alex, let's go."

"What!" He said, confused, "You're gonna let the bastard go after he hit you?"

"Yes, now come on."

Alex glared at me. He really cared about Stephen. Now he hated me. "Fine." They walked away. Alex tried to support Stephen but he pushed him away.

What had I done?

Dun Dun Dunn! What'll happen next! You can send me ideas, comments, reviews or critisism if you have a moment. Thanks!

Rachey Ayy xx


	7. History of violence

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Hollyoaks or it's characters except Alex.

Hiya! Thanks for reading and sticking with the story. Please comment e.c.t. Hope you enjoy it!

**Ste**

I was in Alex's flat. He was sharing with a guy who was apparently out of town. I sat down on the sofa and winced in pain. Damn you, Brendan Brady.

"Are you okay?" Asked Alex,

"I'll be fine." I reasured him.

"I can't believe you just let him go. Why did you do that?" He questioned.

"Look Alex, it's complicated..."

"Is it because you used to be with him?"

"What?" I said, startled.

"It's pretty obvious Ste. When you's are together there's so much tension, it's unbelievable."

"Okay, fine. We were together, kind of..." I trailed of, unsure of what to tell him.

"Come on, Ste! You're, like, my best mate. You can tell me, you know." He told me.

"Okay, fine." I sighed, "But I don't know where to start."

"Try the begining." He suggested.

I found myself telling Alex mine and Brendan's history. Well, not all of it. Some of it I left out, like Brendan killing Danny and the time he told me he loved me and how much I cared about him. Alex didn't need to know that. I also didn't tell him how good it felt when I was with Brendan and how he understood me so much and how I was one of the only people that could figure Brendan Brady out. Or how he set my skin on fire when he touched me. He definately didn't need to know that.

"Jesus Christ Ste! What the hell've ya got yourself in now." He shook his head, "Most of that's seriously messed up Ste."

"I know it's messed up." I couldn't help wondering what he'd think if he knew everything.

"It's like all you do is hurt each other. I mean he's broke your ribs before and stuff and you've put him in hospital." He sighed, "I can't believe you, Ste."

"Don't start." I told him.

"No Ste, listen. What's happened to you? He's hurt you so many times and he just did it again. And what did you do? Nothing! The way I see it, You have two choices, Ste."

"And what's that?" I asked.

"You can either go to the police, tell them what he's done."

"No." I wasn't going to the police. I didn't want him sent down, not really.

"I didn't really like that option anyway. I don't like the police." He replied.

"And what's the other option?"

"You get even." He grinned.

"What?" I frowned.

"Look, what is Brendan Brady?" He asked. I shrugged, what was he going on about?

"He's a thug. A controling little bully." He explained, "Come on Ste. You know how to deal with them. We dealt with enough of 'em inside jouvie, didn't we?"

"You want me to threaten him."

"No, not just threaten him. You hurt him, show him he isn't in control anymore. You did it when you put 'im in hospital, didn't ya? Well, apparently he didn't get the message. It's time to let him know who you are Ste."

"And who's that?"

"Not this," He said, gesturing to me. "The Ste Hay I knew was tough, a survivor. Someone who didn't let people push 'im around. You just need to get him back."

"I don't want to be that person again." I said, shaking my head.

"There's a difference between sticking up for yourself and going mental. You're not a criminal, you're not a bad person. If you defend yourself against Brendan, that doesn't make you a bad person either." He replied.

"I dunno, Alex." I sighed, head in hands.

"Are you scared? Is that it?" Questioned Alex, "Come on Ste: man up! Don't let him hurt you again. You're not a scared little kid so stop acting like it."

He got up and left me there. Alex had a point, sort of. But should I go though with it? Alex wanted me to, clearly. I knew what Amy would say: something about being better than that. I didn't know what I wanted to do. All I knew is that he wasn't going to hurt me again, no matter what.

**Brendan**

It was one o' clock in the morning and I'd been home for just over an hour. I was pacing back and forth in the living room. I'd tried to sleep but couldn't. I'd ruined everything, yet again. Not that there was much left to ruin. Stephen hated me, he must do. He couldn't _not _hate me. Why did I always have to wreck anything good in my life? I wanted to scream. I'd never get him back now. Never touch him, never taste him...I punched the wall. I dimly regestered the pain but most of me hardly even noticed. What the hell was wrong with me? He'd never speak to me again, I'd never see him smile or hear him laugh...I puched it again. I'd never feel his warm body next to mine as he lay there after we slept together... I puched it again. I crumpled down on the floor, my back to the wall and my knees near my chest like I did when I was a kid. If only people could see the dangerous Brendan Brady now. Finally, I decided I needed to get the hell out of here. I needed some fresh air and peace and quiet - something I couldn't have with cheryl snoring upstairs.

**Ste**

I'd walked home as I couldn't afford a taxi and the fresh air would do me good. Besides, Alex was sharing a flat not that far from where I lived, maybe 10 minutes walk. I was heading through the village when someone shouted of me.

"Stephen!" _Well, I wonder who that could be? _I thought to myself, angrily. I briefly thought of dashing into the alleyway next to me but decided against it. I turned around to see, of course, Brendan Fucking Brady.

"You better have a hell of a good reason to be talking to me." I called, turning back around and I kept walking.

"Wait, Stephen, wait." He ran after me and grabbed my arm, spinning me around.

"Get your 'ands of me." I growled.

"Fine okay, okay." He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I'm sorry okay. I shouldn't of touched ya."

"Aww, is Brendan Brady actually apologising. Someone grab the bloody camera."

"I know that you're angry wi' me."

"Shut up, Brendan! You hit me for no fucking reason and if you touch me again I swear I'll kill ya." I shouted. My stomach hurt when I yelled but I ignored the pain.

"Things weren't supposed to end up like this." He said, almost to himself.

"And how were they supposed to end up, eh Brendan? Did you think we could be friends? Maybe you thought I'd just wait for whenever you decided you wanted me and then just get over it every single time you pushed me away. No Brendan. You did this. You're a psycho. A fucking crazy psycho. I hate you! I absolutely hate your guts!"

"No," He shook his head as if to push my words away.

"Yes! I. hate. you."

"No!" He shouted and pushed me into the alley.

"What are you doing? Are you mental?" I shouted. He had me pinned to the wall, his arm across me chest.

"You can't hate me." He whispered. I suddenly noticed how close were we. With his free hand, he trailed a finger down my cheek.

"Yes I can Brendan." I insisted, though my voice had lost most of it's power and volume. "Get of me. Just leave me alone."

"I can't." He replied, looking in my eyes.

"Can't what?"

"Leave you alone." He said, there wasn't an ounce of deciet in his eyes. I didn't think that this was a game. This was him being genuine. Yes, it was desperate and stupid but this was Brendan and this was his way of trying to get me back.

"No, Brendan, no." I whispered. He ignored me and slowly, ever so slowly, kissed me. It was tentative and gentle and full of questions.

He kissed me again, more passionately this time, his tounge traced the seam of my lips and I knew if I gave in now, that was it. But something stopped me. Something Alex said echoed through my mind

_"Come on Ste: man up! Don't let him hurt you again." _

What was I doing? I couldn't be doing this. Everything was only going to fall apart again.

I shoved Brendan away, "Stop. I can't do this okay. I really can't do this."

"Yes you can. I'm sorry for everything I've done. I didn't mean to hurt you. I care about you."

"Stop." I pleaded. I couldn't hear him say things like this. It was too much.

"I need you Stephen." He told me.

"Stop." I repeated. I needed him to leave, to let me think. I felt trapped, like everywhere I turned all I could see was Brendan. Everytime we kissed. Everynight we spent together. And everytime he broke me.

"I love you Stephen."

"No!" I snapped. It was a knee-jerk reaction, something I hadn't done in ages. I punched him in the stomach, ironically where he'd puched me, before puching him in the jaw. It was so much like the old Ste that it scared me. He stumbled backwards. He looked up and I could see that his lip was bleeding.

"You pushed me too far, Brendan. You shouldn't 'av. Everyone has a limit, I've finally reached mine."

I walked away. I wasn't scared of what he'd do or anything. I just didn't know what to do. If it had got into a proper fight, I would have defended myself but, other than that, I didn't know what to do. So I left.

**Brendan**

He'd took me by suprise. I hadn't had time to react. One minute we were kissing and it felt like maybe, just maybe, everything would be alright. An then he was pushing me away, telling me that he couldn't do it. What did he mean? We were perfect for each other. Yes, we fought but I loved him. Honestly, I did. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. My mind was dazed, I wasn't thinking straight. If it had been anyone else, they wouldn't have managed to touch me but this wasn't anyone else. It was him. I was drunk on Stephen and hadn't been expecting it. I hadn't known the lad had it in 'im. Shit, he was tougher than I'd thought. I coughed and tasted blood in my mouth. I should have been angry or something. But I wasn't. I'd deserved it and, more importantly, I was proud. I was proud of Stephen because he'd stuck up for himself and proven that he was much more than I'd thought he was. In my mind, this just meant we were even better fitted for each other.

I remembered when I'd first met him. I'd thought he was just a cocky kid then I started to respect him - he had two kids who he would do anything for and he'd done alright for himself considering how young he was and everything. Then I'd realized how strong he was, how resilient and brave, how caring and gentle he was even though he was tough as well. That was when I started to love him. It was real love; real, messy, mental, unbearable, passionate, terrifying, magical, unstoppable love. He was mine. I was his. It didn't matter that were broke each other into pieces because we would always be there to put the other back together again. It didn't matter that we hated each other sometimes because we loved each other always. So it didn't matter that he'd hit me or that I'd hit him because he meant everything to me and I was never going to let him go. I couldn't even comprehand life without Steven Hay. We'd end up back together again, we always did. No amount of pain, or anger, or hate, or mistakes was going to change it. We were meant for each other. That's just the way it was.

Rachey Ayy xx


	8. A question of love and choices

Disclaimer: I don not own Hollyoaks or it's charactors (except Alex) Hiya! Enjoy! Please Review!

Ste

I was leaning against the door, my knees tooked under my chin, when Amy found me. She helped me up, led me to my room and we both sat on my bed. I felt numb, like my insides had frozen. I couldn't think properly. I couldn't feel properly - I didn't know what to feel. I wanted to hide, to hide somewhere far away where no one could find me. Somewhere far away from Brendan and the things he brought with him. The pain, anger and violence. I didn't want to be the old Ste. He was uncontrolable, a ticking time-bomb. But then I thought of the other things Brendan brought. He may bring pain but he also brings joy. He may bring anger but he also brings excitement. He may bring violence but he also brings passion. God, I was back to square one. Clueless, defenseless & completly out of my depth. I needed help, I needed fucking professional help. I was addicted to Brendan Brady. I couldn't even tell if it was love anymore, or just an obsession. He was obsessed with me, obsessed with the power he held over me. I knew that much from his actions. But why? Why me? Why had he chosen me to possess and not someone else? And why had he held onto me and not discarded me like he'd planned?

The answer was simple: he loved me. But that was the problem: it was almost _too _simple. Brendan didn't _do _simple; he did complex and unreadable and always, _always_, had an ulterier motive. That's one of the first lessons he'd taught me. The very thought that someone who was as much of a control freak as Brendan could fall in love against his will...well, it was unbelievable. But that was what happened, wasn't it? He fell in love with me. He even told me so, right before I'd punched him. He wouldn't, couldn't, lie about something like that...could he? What was I thinking - of course he could! This was Brendan Brady! He didn't have boundries or morals, he didn't have regrets or second-thoughts. There was no line he wouldn't cross. I'd always thought he was loyal and he'd tried to protect me before but what if it had all been part of some sick, twisted game? What if, after everything we'd been through, he really was just the psychopath everyone thought he was?

There was only one person in the whole damned world that I'd talk to about this: Amy Barnes. I trusted her. She'd seen me at my best and seen me at my worst. However, she hadn't abandoned me like everyone else I'd ever cared about had. She hadn't betrayed me or lied to me. I loved her: she was the mother of my kids and my best friend. I just didn't love her in that way, not in the way I loved Brendan. God, I wish I did love her like that as it would make everything a million times simpler. She held my hand as I told her what happened as if she was scared I'd fall apart without some support. Maybe I would've done. I told her everything, everything about Alex and all the conversations I'd had with Brendan. I told her about the trip to the club and Brendan punching me. Finally, I told her what Alex had told me and how I'd followed his advice and hurt Brendan. I knew she wouldn't like it but I had to tell her. At the very least, she could help me survive. Because that's what I did: I survived. No matter what the world threw at me, if I couldn't recover, then I at least survived. And I knew that I didn't have a hope in Hell of recovering from falling for Brendan Brady but I might just survive.

Once I'd finally finished speaking she was silent as if processing the information before finally saying "Are you going to be okay?"

Was that it? I felt like my world was crumbling in my hands and that is what she says. What a stupid question.

"No." I croaked, tears already threatening to fall.

"Oh, come here, Ste." She cried, pulling me into her arms. And she held me, as though I was a child afraid of the dark. I don't know how but it made me feel a little better, a little stabler. At least I wasn't alone. We sat there for around 15 minutes before I finally pulled away.

"I'm sorry." I told her.

"Why?"

"Because I let you down. Again. I know you don't think violence is the answer but he was just _there. _Telling me he loved me."

"He isn't capable of love." She spat.

"What d'ya mean?" I asked.

"You've got to see it Ste. What you and Brendan had - it wasn't real." Ouch. That stung. It hurt all the more because I'd been questioning the reality of my feelings as well.

"Really, then what was it? Imaginary?" I snapped.

"Ste." She said, looking hurt.

"Look, I'm sorry. Okay? It's just, well, everything" I sighed, "The feelings I have for Brendan are real. They're just messed up and confusing and that. Sometimes it's like I know him and it's great. But then, other times, it's like he's a total stranger. But we still have this...connection. D'ya understand?"

"A connection?" She asked, skeptically.

"Yes, a connection." How couldn't she understand? She said she'd been in love with Lea, didn't she? So had it not felt like this for them? I didn't know what it would be like without this feeling. When I walk into a room, I search for Brendan and aren't satisfied until I find him. When I look at him I can almost tell what he's thinking - it's only when I start to question and second-guess things that the world falls apart. I trusted him, I needed him. It was like we shared a mutual understanding.

"How could you love someone like that?" She stared at me.

"Love...what's love?" I laughed.

"Love is beautiful. You love someone because they're kind and considerate, because they make you smile, because they help you and are there for you. Love is about both people being right for each other." She told me. Well, I'm not kind and neither is Brendan - did that mean we were unloveable? It wasn't my fault that I put myself and those I loved infront of other people, I'd been raised in a world where, if you didn't think of yourself, you didn't survive. Brendan could make me smile and vise-versa but there'd been so much drama that it was a rare occasion. Brendan had helped me out before, he'd helped me with money and had even defended me - although half the time it was unwanted. He was there for me too, he'd been there after the fire and when Rae had lost my kid. But the last thing she said _'Love is about both people being right for each other' _was what really got me thinking. Were me and Brendan right for each other?

"I know what you're thinking. You're wondering if you and him are right together." She said. Well, she was my best friend and she knew me well.

"Yeah."

"Well, I have to say this, but I don't think you are. I mean, come on Ste! Whenever you're together, someone gets hurt. You fight and destroy each other. You can't be made for each other! Love is about balancing each other out, keeping each other stable. Not about an overload of emotions that lead to one of you exploding."

Maybe she was right, maybe we were a toxic combination. But, if that were true, why does it feel like anything else would be pale in comparison? Maybe the only way to love was to be on the verge of exploding. Everything we did, we did it with everything - no half meausures or holding back. I'd given everything to Brendan and he'd given everything back. How could something like that be false?

"Maybe your right." I told her, "Maybe me and Brendan are doomed but I can't just get over him. It's impossible, Amy. You can't love someone that much and then: nothing,"

"You need a fresh start, someplace where you won't have to see him all the time." Said Amy.

"Yeah, 'cause we've got loads of money. We can definately just pick up and leave, can't we?" I replied sarcastically.

"No but maybe if _you _left, found yourself a flat somewhere or something. Get a job, you know?"

"What, and leave you and the kids? No chance." I shook my head.

"I know it would be hard but if it's whats best for you then, well, I'm not going to hold you back." She insisted.

"I'm skint Amy. I can't afford to move. I need a job, not a new house." I told her, knowing I was telling the truth.

"Well, you're going to have to do something about Brendan. And fast." She said, before leaving me to attempt to get some sleep.

The next morning I would've sworn that I'd been hit by a truck. My head was pounding from the amount of booze I'd drunk, my ribs hurt due to Brendan's punch and my hands hurt - probably due to connecting with Brendan's face.

"Ouch." I winced, climbing out of bed. Part of me, in fact most of me, did not want to get up at all. However, I needed to put on a brave face for Amy, needed to prove to her that I could cope with everything. I needed to get through it for her and Leah and Lucas; I owed them that much at least. Besides, I'd promised Alex I'd see him today. Apparently, he had some good news.

It was the start of a new day and I was dreading it all ready.

Brendan

I stared at the reflection in the mirror. My lip was split and a bruise was starting to appear on my jaw. My ribs also hurt but I didn't think they were broken. Stephen was stronger than I'd ever given him credit for. It wasn't often that someone managed to leave a mark on me and I thought it was right that Stephen should do it. I'd turned his beautiful skin black and blue plenty of times and now he'd done the same in return. I wondered how long it would take before we ended up back together. A week? A month? If it was up to me, he'd be around here right now and we'd make up for all the time we'd been apart. However, it wasn't just up to me and I knew Stephen could be stubborn. Hell, sometimes he was even more persistant than me! But I knew he'd come back, I knew it now more than ever. Most people would think that, by hitting me, Ste had shown that he didn't care about me any more, that he was over me. But I saw it as something entirely different. When I told Stephen that I loved him, if he hadn't cared, he would have just walked away. But no, he lashed out and that showed me just how much the words affected him.

I was walking through the village, towards the club, when I came face-to-face with Alex.

"Oooh, looks painful." He smirked, "Did Ste do that?"

"What's it to you?" I growled.

"Nothing. Just pleased that he hadn't lost himself completely." He replied.

"What?" I asked.

"The old Ste. I thought he might be gone completely. Apparently not." He grinned.

"What d'ya mean, 'the old Ste'?"

"He used to be a right violent son-of-a-bitch. Always getting into fights. He was too cocky, had a big mouth. But at least he stuck up for himself. But now he's different - calmer, gentler. Amy and the kids have turned him soft. And you, well you're pretty fucked up, ain't ya?" He smiled, "You messed with Ste, hurt him, tried to control him. And Ste let you! Now that, that was nothing like the old Ste. And do you know why he let you?"

"You said it yourself, he'd changed."

"No, that wasn't it. As you can see by the bruises on your face, Ste hasn't changed that much. No, it just takes more to push him over the edge. But then again, you did plenty. No, he let you because he loved you. Ste loved you!"

"What's your point?" I hissed. I didn't want to be discussing Stephen, especially not with him.

"You haven't got a clue, have you? D'ya even know how much you had? And how much you lost." He shook his head, "I know Ste better than most people. He doesn't trust people easily and never, ever, allows himself to be vulnerable. But he did with you. And then you broke him. You're disgusting. D'ya have any idea how much damage you've caused? The first person he let's close in ages and you turn out to be a psycho. But he'll survive, I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure he forgets you because you are nothing. A waste of space."

"Go away, Alex. You're the one who doesn't have a clue." I replied.

"Is that right?" He snapped.

"Yeah, yeah it is. You think you know Stephen, you don't know him like I do. Because I know him inside and out, I know every secret, every thought, every fear. He. Is. Mine. And that is because we have something that you," I said, pointing at him. We were close enough that my finger prodded him in the chest, "will never understand. So, we can sit here and debate it all day or you can run off and go play the protective best mate somewhere else. Got it? Good."

I walked away before he could respond. It took him around 10 seconds to think up a reply, "I suppose you'll be going to see Ste now. Oh no, my mistake. He won't want to see you. He's very busy. You know how much hastle moving is, right?" He called. His words froze me in my tracks. Moving? Why would Stephen be moving?

"What?" I spun around to face him.

"Oh, so now you're interested?" He laughed, "Sorry, but it's not my secret to tell. Besides, it's actually none of your buisness."

"Really?" I snarled, marching towards him. "Well, I'm making it my buisness."

"Are you?" He grinned. The smile was wiped of his face, however, when I grabbed him by his jacket and shoved him against the wall. It was funny that the gesture could be so similar and yet so different to what I'd done to Ste.

"Yes, yes I am. You see, Alex. I don't like people trying to be funny especially when what they're saying isn't funny in the slitest. So, why don't you stop trying to be clever and tell me exactly what the Hell you're talking about."

"Make me." He said, defiant as ever.

"Oh, I will." I growled, an inch away from punching him.

"Only, I don't think Ste would approve of you deckin' his best mate now, would he? That kind of thing is unforgivable."

I paused. He was right. Ste cared about Alex, though God only knows why. "We'll have to continue this some other time." I said, brushing down his jacket. I knew perfectly well that I was invading his personal space but I didn't care.

"See you around, Brendan." He smirked.

"You will be." I replied and left.

Ste

Choices. Who needs them? I hated choices, not least because I usually made the wrong ones. And now I faced another choice, a huge one: should I leave Hollyoaks? When I'd met with Alex, he'd told me that he'd got a job and was planning to move. He'd asked me if I wanted to come with him. It wasn't anything romantic or anything - he wasn't asking me to move in with him or anything...well, he was but not in _that _way. Alex was straight and my best mate. And that's why he asked me to move with him because he was my best mate and he thought I needed to get out of that place. He was offering me a fresh start and I'd be a fool to refuse. Even Amy was telling me to go and she wasn't Alex's biggest fan.

But, it was a huge decision and I thought of what I'd be leaving behind: Amy, Leah, Lucas, the only family & home I'd ever known. Was it really worth losing all that to escape the bad memories that haunted the village like an ever-present cloud? And then there was Brendan. Because of him, I wanted to leave and finally escape him for good, but because of him, I also wanted to stay. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I considered not answering it but changed my mind at the last minute. I opened the door.

Brendan

I had to know. I needed to know. If Stephen was going to leave Hollyoaks, then, well, I don't know. God, I hope Alex was just messing with me. He had to have been because if it was the truth...

He opened the door and suddenly, I'd run out of words to say. I'd had this whole speach memoriesed about how he couldn't leave Amy and the kids; how he didn't want his kids growing up without their Dad; how his whole life was here. One minute it was there, on the tip of my tounge. The next, gone. The sight of him took it away. He was wearing a pair of trackies and a white polo-shirt. His hair was slightly messy as if he hadn't had the time to sort it properly. He looked...conflicted. Kind of unsure. When he saw me, he froze before shutting the door in my face. Now, that knocked me out of the daze I was in.

"Stephen." I sighed, before trying to open it myself. However, it was now locked. "Open the door."

"Go away." he called.

"I'm not gonna hurt ya." I explained.

"That's not what I'm worried about." He muttered.

"Please, Stephen. I just want to talk to ya. I need to talk to ya." I persisted.

"What's so important that you can't leave without talking to me about it?" He questioned.

"Alex told me something. I wanted to know if it was true."

"Oh, fucking Hell." He sighed, sounding totally drained of energy. I heard him slump to the floor, leaning against the door. So he knew what I was talking about. Damn!

"You can't leave Stephen. You're life is here. Amy, the kids." I rushed through my speech.

I was startled when the door opened, and Stephen was once again standing in front of me. "And you're here."

"Yeah. I don't want you to leave." I whispered.

"I don't want to leave you." He whispered back and my heart leapt. "But that's the problem. I should want to. After everything, I should want to leave."

I stayed silent, I didn't know what to say.

"I don't know what I'm doing yet. Alex shouldn't have told you - that was for me to do. But I will make up my mind, I just need a couple of days." He sighed, "I'll speak to you in two days. Until then, I just need some space, okay? I need to find out what I want, what I really want. And I can't do that with you near me."

"Steph-" I tried to talk to him but he interupted.

"No Brendan. Don't try to get me to stay. This is my decision - not yours. It my choice, it's my life."

But it wasn't just his life. It was my life, too. Because, without Stephen, I didn't know what to do. This was different to the time he'd almost gone to Newcastle with Noah. This was just Stephen, no body else. Just Stephen and a choice that would change my life. How'd I become this vulnerable? My whole future rested on him and I had a terrifying feeling that I knew exactly what choice he was going to make.

Rachey Ayy xx


	9. One last time

Disclaimer: I dont own Hollyoaks or its charactors. Hiya! Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed so far. Your comments have been great and they really push me forward and help me keep writing. This chapter is kind of sad :( I'd really love to hear from you regarding what you thought of it. It's all very angsty but also full of stendany love! Enjoy! xx

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><p><span>Brendan<span>

Two days came slowly, I sat at home, staring at the phone, waiting. Waiting for anything: a call, a text, a knock on the door, anything that would show he'd made a decision. I needed to know. But nothing came. Two days came and passed and nothing. I thought of going to see him but I recalled his words, _'I just need some space, okay'_. I was scared, scared that he'd already left and had decided not to tell me. That would've been cruel. But so was this, making me wait. I didn't just wait two days, I waited three. I felt like I was going to explode. I even went to his house, when I was about to knock on the door, I chickened out. I suppose I was too afraid, afraid that Amy would open the door and tell me it's too late. So, I hid. I hid in the house and was content to do so until someone came and told me what had happened. The only reason I actually ever left the house was because of Cheryl. She forced me to go to the club - apparently she couldn't handle it on her own, not now she was a _student. _So, I dragged myself out of bed and went to work and then came home alone because Cheryl then decided to go out drinking with her uni mates. How childish. Could she not see that my world was preparing to fall apart?

So I was sitting on the couch, nursing a glass of whisky in my hand, when I heard a knock on the door. I froze. I swear that I'd never heard such an ominous sound. I almost didn't answer it.

Man up, I thought to myself, I was being a coward. So I slowly made my way towards the door. I couldn't help but feel like a man walking towards the gallows knowing very well what fate had in store. With a deep breath, I collected all my courage and bravado together and put on my best, unreadable poker face. And, of course, Stephen was the one outside.

"Can I come in?" He asked, meeting my gaze with an equally unreadable one of his own.

I stepped aside to allow him to pass, "Be my guest." I replied.

I couldn't help but notice the heat from his body as he passed, his arm just brushing my chest. Even that had my heart beating twice as fast. Some would say that I was suffering from withdrawel, Stephen was my drug and I hadn't had him in a while. I needed him. After closing the door, I turned to see him staring at the room, as if in a daze. I could almost see the memories playing in his head. This room had seen some important moments in our relationship. It had seen some disasterous moments, and some perfect ones.

"So you finally showed up." I told him acidly. I wasn't really angry, I was glad to see he was still here actually. But it was just an act to cover up my true feelings - to cover up the sheer desperation that lurked under the surface, to cover up the waves of lust and longing that were rocking my body.

"Yeah," he licked his lips nervously and I couldn't help but stare. God, where was my self control? "I'm sorry it took so long."

"Well, like you said, it's your life." I replied.

"You're angry." He noticed, studying me curiously. What, did he think I would be happy or something?

"No, Stephen. Not at all. I'm great, really great." I said, before picking up the glass of whisky from the table and taking a gulp. When he saw the alcohol, Ste rolled his eyes but otherwise stayed silent. A first for him, I suppose.

"So have you finally made up your mind?" I questioned, sounding a lot less interested than I actually was.

"I think so." He replied, looking at me warily, as if he could see that this was an act.

"You _think _so?" I repeated, "Make up you're mind Stephen. Stay or go. It's not really rocket science, is it?"

"Do you want me to stay?" He asked, and suddenly he was infront of me - close enough to touch. And then I could feel my mask slipping and, once again, Stephen had managed to draw me out from inside my shell, like only he could.

"It's not my desicion." I replied, my voice uneven.

"Why are you doing this?" He frowned as if I was one of the great mysteries of the universe and, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't figure me out.

"Doing what?"

"Pretending!" He exclaimed, "You can hide and pretend you don't care all you want but I can see straight through you. Have you forgotten that I used to be exactly the same? Have you forgotten that I know you, Brendan? You don't want me to leave. Why can't you just admit it? It's always the same with you! What are you so afraid of?"

Was I afraid? The answer was, unfortunately, yes. I'd gone and did what I'd warned myself from the begining not to do: I'd started to care. And, not only that, but he cared too! Stephen, the man I'd lied to, the man I'd threatened and beaten up, the man I'd let down time and time again. I'd messed with his mind and his realationships, I''d broken him and mended him and then broken him again; and yet, he cared. I could see it in his eyes. A little piece of him was dying inside, the part that had loved me from the start, and it was in that moment that I knew without a doubt as to what decision he'd made. This may be hurting him but it was nothing compared to what it was going to do to me.

"You. I'm afraid of you." I whispered softly. "I didn't mean for this to happen - I wasn't supposed to care about you. But I do care."

"Bren..."

"No, just let me speak. I know I'm not good with all this." I said gesturing to us both, "But that doesn't mean that I don't care. I do. And I know I've hurt you, and I know I lie and I cheat and I play games. I know I'm controling and jealous and possessive. And I know that I don't treat you right and sometimes I act as though I'm heartless. I've made alot of mistakes but I never admit to them. But if I lose you, that'll be the biggest mistake I'll ever make."

Ste

This hurt. It hurt so much. Why had I let myself get in so deep? Why him? Of all the people I could love, why did it have to be him? I hadn't chose this, no one in their right mind would choose this pain. But it hadn't been a choice. God, I just wanted it to stop. This feeling in my chest, it felt like a part of me was slowly disintergrating into dust. Every word he spoke, every second I stared at his face and another part died. At this rate, there'd be nothing left of me. Just an empty shell, a hollow reminded of what had been. That's all the future had instore for me if I let go of Brendan: a half-life full of what-ifs and relationships that will never be quite right because they'll never be with him. Was I really doing this, was I really going to let him go?

"But if Iose you, that'll be the biggest mistake I'll ever make" He told me. How cruel of him to say that. Didn't he know how much this hurt? I was shaking now, silent streams of tears were sliding down my face. Gently, Brendan reached out and wiped them away. Instead of removing his hand, he slowly caressed my lips with his thumb like he'd done many times before. God help me.

Brendan

His lips were soft and full, I noticed. I pulled him towards me but not for a kiss - I didn't want to preasure him or confuse him. This time I wanted it to be his decision and his alone, no influence from me. But I wanted him to know I was here, if he wanted me. I rested my forehead against his and looked him in his eyes. The tears that gathered there showed me how much he was suffering. I was drowning: his body heat, his hot breath on my face, the scent of his lynx deoderant, his beautiful face staring into my own. I was itching to be closer to him, to touch him, taste him; to mark every inch of that flawless skin with kisses. It was funny that we were barely touching - apart from our foreheads, the only other contact we had was my hands resting on his shoulders - and yet it felt more meaningful and more intimate than a thousand kisses or a thousand

nights spent with anyone else. Because this was Stephen and he knew me better than anyone. But that wasn't nessessarily good thing.

All my life, I'd been convinced that love was a lie, a fantasy, an illusion. Something people always talked about and thought about but it wasn't real, it didn't last. People were selfish, every last one of 'em. They would just let you down and the only way to survive was to look after yourself first. Self Preservation. What's the point of getting close to someone when they were only gonna leave?

Then, Stephen arrived in my life. At first, he was just a toy, a game, a distraction. He was attractive and I wanted him: simple. But then it got complicated. Now, I love him. That very thing that I swore to myself I wouldn't do. I promised myself I'd never fall in love, I was too smart. I wasn't the same as everyone else, I wasn't a fool. But I was. Because I went and fell in love and now Stephen was going to prove that I'd been right all along - that everyone leaves eventually and that there's no point getting attached because it'll only get you hurt. Ironically, I wanted so badly to be proved wrong - I wanted him to kiss me and say he'll never leave. I wanted him to prove that love is real, and beautiful and that it can last. It was strange to think of how much I'd changed. It was Stephen who'd changed me; no one else could've done this.

"I'm sorry." I told him and, this time, I actually meant it.

"Oh God, I'm gonna regret this."

"What?" I asked. In answer, his hands snaked around my neck and pulled my lips down to his.

Ste

God, how I'd missed him. He had become a permanent fixture in my mind; every kiss, every touch had been branded onto my soul for all eternity. I knew that it was a mistake; some distant part of me, the sane part, was screaming to run away, to hide. But, in that moment, I was finally alive again. I could do anything, _be _anything because Brendan was by my side.

His tounge explored my mouth, desperate to taste me, I knew the feeling. It had been a long time, too long. And I needed Brendan and, by the look of it, he needed me too. I knew if I didn't slow this down, we'd end up fucking on the floor again. So I pushed him away, my hand rested on his chest to try and maintain some sort of distance between us. He looked at me questioningly, wondering what was wrong, why I'd stopped.

I smiled and grabbed his hand in mine, pulling him towards the stairs.

We ran up, him chasing behind me, until we arrived in his bedroom. I walked into the middle of the room and turned to look at him.

Brendan was leaning against the closed door, admiring his prize, I suppose. Ever so slowly, he walked towards me, one agonizing step at a time. He stood in front of me and smirked. Gone was the uncontrolable passion of before. Don't get me wrong, it was still there - lurking beneath the surface. But now, Brendan had himself under control. He was safe now, in his bedroom. He knew that he had me so he was going to take his time. He reached out and traced a line down my face, setting my skin on fire as he did so. Gently, his finger trailed down my throat to tug on the edge of my hoodie. He smiled slyly and placed a finger on my lips, silencing my words before I had a chance to speak them. It was a game: who could last longest before caving. Brendan was very good, but I was getting better, more patient. I knew what was coming and was prepared to wait for it. I grinned and bit his finger, causing him to remove it with a playful glare. People rarely saw this side of Brendan, the gentler, fun side. The one that didn't have to hide.

But then I changed the rules. No longer did I wait, but instead, pushed him onto the bed, me following. I grinned down at him and laughed at his shocked expression before capturing his mouth with mine before he had a chance to comment. Then the fire was reignited, the passion enveloping us and taking control. Gone were all thoughts of running away or turning back. Here was Brendan Brady and, even if it was just for tonight, he was mine. In our little bubble, we were free. He sloppily undid the buttons on his shirt before yanking my top over my head within seconds. We hurridly did the same with our bottom half and, as we lay there naked, he took a second to admire my body, Smiling with statisfaction, he claimed me as his and his alone.

I woke up happy. At first, I wasn't even sure why I was happy. Then, I began to remember where I was. Brendan's. Then I remembered last night. God, it had been amazing - like coming home. I swear there wasn't a part of me he hadn't kissed. And, naturally, I returned the favour. His hand was wrapped possessivly around my waist. I looked over at him and smiled. He had always been so peaceful in his sleep, he was almost unrecognizable. A part of me wanted to stay here forever but then I remembered why I'd come here in the first place. Alex. Moving. A new start. How had I forgotten? Brendan, that's how. He had a way about him that made me forget everything until only me and him remained. Brendan Brady and Stephen Hay, in their own private world. Gently, I slid of the bed. He moaned in his sleep. Trying to be as quiet as possible, I got dressed and stared at him sleeping. This was how I wanted to remember him, content and peaceful. Because I wasn't going to see him again. I knew I was being a coward but I couldn't face Brendan again, I just couldn't. I had barely had the courage to face him before, when we'd been apart for months. I could never tell him I was leaving with the memories of last night so fresh in my mind. So I found a piece of paper in the drawer and wrote him a note.

_Bren,_

_I'm sorry. I can't do this, it hurts too much. I'm leaving with Alex, I'll be okay. It's a new start for both of us. Look after yourself._

_Ste x_

Tears had gathered in my eyes but I brushed them away angrily. I had to be strong. Silently, I walked towards Brendan. I reached out and stroked his cheek before bending down.

"I love you." I whispered before kissed him gently on the lips.

Walking out of that house had been one of the hardest things I'd ever done. When outside, I looked back at the door. So many memories. That's all I had now: memories. I smiled as I remembered the good times and even smiled when I remembered the bad ones. It didn't hurt anymore, what he'd done to me. Forgive and forget. Though that was a lie. I may have forgiven Brendan but I knew in my heart that I'd never forget a single moment we'd spent together and, to be honest, I didn't want to. I turned away, knowing that was going to be the last time I saw him. I would survive.

I walked away from that house a different person: free, unburdened, at peace but also broken. But as I walked away from the past, ready for whatever the future threw at me, there were no tears in my eyes.

Rachey Ayy xx


	10. Goodbye

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hollyoaks or its charactors (except Alex). Hi! Thanks so much for all the amazing reviews, they are really encouraging. Also, thanks for everyone who has kept reading the story, you guys are great! So, last time it ended on a bit of a sad note :'(

I wonder what Brendan will think of Ste leaving...

Enjoy! (and also, please review. I'd really appreciate it)

(Sorry if it's a bit short)

* * *

><p><span>Brendan<span>

Memories flooded my mind before I'd even opened my eyes. I smiled to myself. Last night, it had been undescribable. It felt as though it would all be fine, everything melted away. Everything except me and him, that is. I reached out to pull him towards me but found the other half of the bed empty. Startled, I opened my eyes and looked around the room but there was no one else here.

"Stephen." I called, quietly. I got up and pulled on some boxers and trousers. I padded to the bathroom to see if he was there. No such luck.

"Stephen this isn't funny." I whispered, half expecting him to jump out at me, laughing his head off and grinning that annoying yet cute grin of his.

"Hello?" I called.

"What's up, love?" Asked Cheryl, coming out of her bedroom in a dressing gown and PJs, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She didn't know that Stephen had been there, she still thought that we weren't even speaking.

"It's nothing." I replied. I thought that Stephen had probably thought that this had been a one off, that I would want him rid of him straight away. This was not ideal but it was fixable. I would just have to find him and show him that _he _didn't choose when to leave. _I _decided when I wanted him around and, right then, I certainly wanted him around. I walked back to my room. It was only then that I noticed the note. It was lying on the drawers and I picked it up, dread already filling my heart.

_Bren,_

_I'm sorry. I can't do this, it hurts too much. I'm leaving with Alex, I'll be okay. It's a new start for both of us. Look after yourself._

_Ste x_

That was the second my world collapsed. Such a small piece of paper, it wasn't many words, but it had the power to bring down my life. I crumbled to the floor, all my resolve and defences shattered. I thought we were okay. More than okay, I thought we were _great_. But, after everything, he still left. He left me. How could he leave me?

"Bren! What's wrong?" Cheryl questioned, looking worried.

"Nothing." That was a lie. Everything was wrong. "I have to go somewhere." I pulled on a shirt and shoes and ran down the stairs. I could here her protests as I left without an explanation but I didn't have time. I grabbed a jacket and my phone before leaving the house. Desperately, I called Stephen but it kept going straight to voicemail. I started to run, not really sure where I was heading but I ended up going towards his place. I suppose I was holding onto a vain hope that he hadn't left yet. And then I saw him. Stephen was about to get in a car. And guess who was driving? Alex. I was torn between wanting to smack Alex for even thinking of taking what was mine, and Stephen _was _mine, or trying to talk to Ste and convince him to stay. I decided on the latter as I doubted decking Ste's friend would help me at all.

"Stephen." I shouted, jogging towards him. He looked towards me in shock before shaking his head. Did he really believe that I would just drop it, that I would just let him walk away? Not a chance.

"Don't do this, Brendan." He sighed.

"What are you doing? You were just gonna leave, run away. And this," I yelled, holding up the, now scruched up, note. "was all you left behind."

"I couldn't face you. I know it wasn't fair but I knew you'd react like this." He gestured to me.

"Like what?" I demanded.

"This! You won't understand. Can't understand. I _need _this, okay? Can't you just let me go." He pleaded.

"You know I can't." I replied.

"I should have known it couldn't be easy." He said, almost to himself.

Alex had gotten out of the car and was eyeing me up as if wondering if he could take me in a fight. Like hell he could. "Stephen, you can't do this." I said.

"_Ste," _He said venhemently, emphasising 'Ste', "can do what he likes."

"Is that right?" I snarled, "What's it got to do with you anyway? You're just a kid. You haven't got a clue."

"Really?" He said, taking a step towards me.

"Come on then. If you think you're hard enough. Come on!" I yelled, arms spread wide. I smiled mockingly. I needed to release my angern on someone and Alex was as good a target as any.

"I swear, I'll kill ya!" He threatened.

"Is that right?" I laughed. Then my rage got the better of me and I was there, in his face, prepared to put him back in his place. But then something stopped me. A hand, pressed on my chest. I looked up in suprise. Stephen was looking at me with a familiar determination in his eyes.

"Don't touch him. This is between you and me. If you've got a problem, then take it out on me." What did he mean? Did he expect me to hit him? I looked into his eyes and saw the rage that dwelled there. He was expecting a fight and I knew exactly who's side he would be fighting on. Alex's.

It was then that I realised my deadly mistake. I'd underestimated the bond between Ste and Alex. Gone was the illusion that Stephen still cared about me, that he loved me, that we shared something amazing. He was choosing Alex over me. Understanding Alex; happy-go-lucky Alex; friendly, always-there-for-you Alex. Bloody everything-I'm-not Alex, basically. And how could I blame him, after everything I'd done? He deserved better but I didn't care. I was selfish: I knew it, Stephen knew it, Alex knew it, hell, even Cheryl knew it. But my confidence had crumbled and my judgement was shakey at best. I was almost in a daze. Stephen was going to leave me. This was the end: everything we'd gone through to get here, it had all been for nothing. All the emotions I didn't want to feel; all the kisses I didn't want to forget; all the words that he had spoken that, at the time, had been meaningless but were now so precious because I didn't think I would ever hear his voice again, after this.

"I'm sorry." I said.

He looked tacken aback at first, before a sadly far-too-familiar look of mistrust settled on his beautiful features. "What for?"

"Everything. Anything." I shrugged, "If this is it, then I don't want you to hate me."

"Well, he does hate you so just fuck off, yeah? You're not wanted. You're pathetic and Ste would never go back to a bastard like you." Growled Alex. Talk about kicking a man when he's down.

"Just go back in the car, okay Alex? You aren't helping. We'll leave in a minute." Stephen said, looking back.

"Fine. But don't let him manipulate you, okay? You don't owe him anything." Alex said, before getting in the car.

"So, this is really it?" I asked, walking with Ste a few paces away from the car, out of Alex's earshot.

"I guess so." He replied, looking at the ground.

"Look at me."

"Brendan..." He said, still refusing to meet my eyes.

"Look at me." I repeated. Finally, he obeyed and I saw the pain there. He looked beaten, tired as if our complex realationship had taken its toll on him. Everyone had a point where they could no longer go on, I guess Stephen had finally reached his.

"Is this what you want?" I asked, knowing the answer but needing to hear him say it anyway.

"No." He said, shaking his head sadly, "This isn't what I want. But it's what I need."

"Where are you going?"

"You know I can't tell you that."

"What if I promise not to come after you?" I questioned.

He snorted, "When have you ever kept your promises?"

Anger flared inside me, "You weren't perfect either." That was true: Stephen wasn't perfect. But he was perfect for me.

"I don't want another arguement." Ste sighed. "I don't have it in me."

"God, I can't believe this." I closed my eyes and took a breath, trying to hold myself together.

"I know. Who'd of thought it? I certainly never pictured us ending up here." He smiled.

"Don't go." I begged, desperate.

"Don't make this harder than it needs to be."

"Harder?" I laughed bitterly, "How could this be harder?"

"I don't know." He looked back at the car, "I have to go."

Stephen turned to leave but I grabbed him by the arm and spun him around. My hand rested on his neck as I pulled him in for a kiss. He was shaking and I wanted so badly to take the pain away but I knew I was the cause of it. The kiss was soft and bittersweet, full of declarations and apologies.

"I love you." I told him. There was nothing left to say. I just needed him to know that, even if he didn't love me back. I did love him, more than I could ever say.

"I love you." He replied, wiping tears away before they had a chance to fall.

He smiled at me and, in that moment I knew that I'd been forgiven. He didn't hate me, he'd forgiven me. Stephen turned around to go but yet again, I reached out to stop him.

"Brendan." He sighed.

"Wait." I reply before reaching behind my neck.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

In answer, I grabbed his hand and pried his fingers open. I gently placed my crucifix in his palm and closed his fingers around it. Stephen withdrew his hand and looked at what I'd given him.

His eyes widened in shock and he shook his head, trying to give me it back, "I can't take this. It's yours, I've never seen you without it. I can't."

"Yes you can. Just, don't forget me, yeah?" I pushed it back towards him.

Stephen smiled, "Like I could ever forget you."

He walked back towards the car and, just before getting in, he looked up at me, "Goodbye Brendan."

I gave a half hearted wave and smiled sadly. He returned the smile and got in the car. Tears clouded my vision as I watched the car speed away and I continued watching a few minutes after I could no longer see it.

"Goodbye Stephen." I whispered to the wind, the love of my life already long gone.

Rachey Ayy xx


	11. Freedom

Hiya! Thanks for reading. I know it's short, really short, but I kind of wanted to wrap up everything but before I moved on to the next part of the story. This is not the end, at least not yet! Please review and thank you so much to those of you that already have. Enjoy!

Stephen

I felt like I was inches away from tears. I'd tried to keep myself composed and strong infront of Brendan but now the impact of what I'd just done finally hit me with the force of a truck slamming straight into my heart.

I knew, deep down, that this was for the best but I still couldn't quite believe it. I was leaving Brendan, for real this time. No going back. No changing my mind. No more moments of weakness that would find me standing outside his door when I knew that he was home alone. No more _us_. Just me, Stephen Hay. Amy and the kids weren't coming with me, at least not yet. So, it was me and Alex. I had a sense of Devá vu; it felt like I was that kid again, messed up and full of pent up rage and hate; before Amy had fixed me, before I gotten control of myself; just one kid with a screwed up life but no responsibilities and no weaknesses. How much had I changed; Amy had healed me and Leah and Lucas had kept me grounded. Then Brendan had trapped me with my own desires and emotions. But now, I felt free. Free of the remorse I still felt due to my past with Amy, free of the duty of looking after the kids and free of my love for Brendan. This couldn't be real, could it? Was I really stronger than I had thought; stronger than _Brendan _had thought, because surely he hadn't expected me to just _wallk away_. It was never truly over between us but it was now. Everything: gone. But I wouldn't regret it, couldn't regret it. This had been my choice and I would stand by it, even if it killed me. Even if it felt like my heart was being crushed into dust.

"Are you okay?" Asked Alex, looking at me with concern before returning his eyes to the road.

"Yeah." I sighed, "Just get me out of here."

I looked out of the window as Hollyoaks village flew by. It was raining now, drops of water sliding down the glass like the tears I longed to cry. But I couldn't cry them, I didn't think I had any left. So, instead of crying like the old Ste would've, I just took a deep breath, calmed my frazled nerves and welcomed the future as I left my past behind me.

Rachey Ayy xx


	12. Broken and haunted

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hollyoaks or it's characters.

Hiya! Special thank you to everyone who reviewed my previous chapters. I love you guys! :)

Quick question: would you prefer me to post smaller chapters more frequently or longer chapters that take longer to post? Because, lately, I haven't had much time to write so I've been just writing small chapters so that I post regularly. Please let me know which you would prefer. Thanks!

Enjoy...

Brendan (One month later)

One month. One month since I last saw him, since I last heard his voice. It had been a month too long. It's funny that, when he'd first left, when I was standing, staring after him, I thought I wouldn't survive another minute without him. But here I was, a month later. It wasn't any easier. People say 'out of sight, out of mind'. What a lie. I hadn't saw him in a whole fucking month yet his face was still as clear in my mind as it had been for as long as I could remember. I couldn't recall ever _not _having his image burned into my mind, ever _not _having his voice echo in my head, ever _not _having his touch haunt my dreams.

I was broken. Life changed, after he left. _I _changed. Everyone noticed the change in me, those people who thought I'd gone docile, the ones who didn't think I was a psycho, they sharp changed their minds. People would cross the street to avoid me, people would purposefully not look in my direction to prevent eye contact. They were afraid. I didn't blame them. Since he left, I've been a bit..unstable. I'd fly of the handle at anyone, I couldn't control it. In my heart, where love used to be, now there was just rage. Pain and anger had consumed me. I was looking for someone to blame, I guess, and anyone was better than me. With him, _Stephen_, gone I was back to being the old me. I needed him to keep me sane, to remind me of how it could be, if I tried hard enough. But he wasn't here and I had to face my worst enemy, myself, alone. Even Cheryl noticed the change in me; she was more cautious around me, wary of saying the wrong thing and making me blow a fuse.

There were some nights, when I was lying in bed alone, that memories would play in my mind and I would let them, just to make sure that I still remembered everything about him; the taste of his tears as we kissed after an arguement, the heat of his body as he lay next to me, the sound of his hushed voice as we talked in the night, the exact shade of his blue eyes, the way his smile would light up his whole face and make him glow, the way he would never let anyone tell him what to do, the way his gentle fingertips could set my skin on fire, the way he always came back for me. Until that day, of course. Until then, he'd been mine. He'd always return to me because we belonged together. Those nights, the memories would overwhelmed me and, for a second, I could almost believe that life was still like that, that Stephen was still mine. But then, I'd blink and the memories would fade away and I'd remember the harsh reality. Those nights...I could swear I died inside.

I needed him, more than I cared to admit aloud, more than anyone, even Stephen himself, knew. I used to think that letting people close would make you vulnerable, make you weak. But that's exactly how I felt without him: weak, vulnerable, scared, alone. He was always there to support me, just by being there. Even when we fought, there was still hope because he was still there and, as long as he was there, then everything would be okay. Because, honestly, when we were so close it was only a matter of time before we were drawn back together again. But now, everything was uncertain. He was too far away. What if he forgot me, forgot everything we ever had? I wasn't there to remind him, I wasn't there to protect him, I wasn't there to hold him and kiss him and fuck him and make sure he always knew he was mine. What if he forgot that he was mine? That I am his? What if he found someone else and I wasn't there to show him that it was a pointless mistake to even think of being with anyone else, when I was here waiting for him? It was a mess, a painful, heart wrenching mess and it hurt. But I couldn't give up, couldn't let go of that thin strand of hope that I'd been clinging to since he left, the hope that he would come back. No matter how long it took, he had to come back. Because, if he didn't, I didn't know what I would do.

It was 11 o'clock at night and I was walking home from Chez Chez. I was no help in there right now, my thoughts of _him _were dominating my mind which only drove me to get a drink. One glass of whisky turned to two and two turned to three. Eventually, Cheryl told me to go home. I wasn't concentrating on where I was going and I collided with some kid. Well, I say _kid _but he was around twenty something.

"Whoa!" He yelled, stumbling, clearly a little tipsy himself. "Watch where ya going! Jesus!" He stumbled and some of the larger from the can he'd been drinking splashed on my suit,

Now, this really pissed me of. Maybe, if I was sober, it wouldn't have bothered me as much. Actually, that's a lie. Considering the mood I'd been in since Ste left, it would still have bothered me.

"Who d'ya think ya talkin' to?" I growled. Somewhere inside me, I knew I should have just left it and walked away but I wanted an arguement. There was so much tension inside me that I needed to release it somehow. I was just so angry, constantly, and I knew that I was really angry at myself for driving Stephen away but that didn't matter. I wanted to make someone else hurt as much I was hurting, I guess.

"You. Ya got a problem?" he smirked, thinking he was so clever.

"No," I smiled a smile that could only be described as menacing "but you will have in a minute."

"Ooh. Is that threat?" He shoved me. I didn't even move.

I punched him. It wasn't even my full strength, I'd hit Stephen a lot harder in the past yet he still fell.

At that point, I was just going to walk away. I mean, come on! This guy was hardly a match for me. But then he got back up, clutching his wounded face.

"You son of a bitch." he growled, aiming a punch at me. I caught his fist and pulled his arm up behind him, successfully rendering him incapable of movement.

"Wanna try 'n hit me again?" I asked.

"Get off!" He yelled.

"Why?" I laughed, "You were up for a fight a minute ago." I pulled his arm painfully and he yelped.

"Come on! Let me go!" He pleaded, not so tough now.

"I'm not sure 'bout that." I said.

"Brendan!" Cheryl's voice sounded angry, upset and something else...afraid. Was she scared of me? I looked at her. She looked pissed of, worried and yes, there was a trace of fear in her eyes. She should've known that I would never hurt her, at all! Had I really changed that much?

"Let him go Bren." She said, looking like she wasn't sure as to how I'd react.

I pushed the guy away. After shooting a glare at me, he stumbled away as fast as possible. Probably scared as hell. Oh well, not my problem. Cherly, on the other hand, was my problem.

"I can't believe you! You can't go around, hurting random people!" She yelled, "It's not right."

"He deserved it." I commented, slightly defensive of my actions.

"It doesn't matter." She sighed, "It's like I don't know who you are anymore. You're different and not in a good way. It all started when S-"

"Don't." I interrupted.

"You have to get over him, Bren. You can't go on like this! He's been gone a month and you weren't even together when he left. I understand."

Understand? How could she possibly understand? "Just leave me alone, Chez." I told her.

"No. I can't just sit back and watch you fall apart. I have to do something!" She persisted.

"Well, it's too late!" I yelled, before walking away while she protested behid me. She thought she could help fix me, turn me into who I was before. But I can't be fixed, I'm broken beyond repair. I'd been broken all my life but when I had Stephen...he made me feel whole again. Now, I felt more empty than ever.

Rachey Ayy xx


	13. New life

Disclaimer: I do not own Hollyoaks or it's charactors (except Alex, Kieran and Sam who I made up)

Hi! I'm really, really sorry about how long this took to post. I've been finding it so hard to write lately. I know this chapter isn't that long or that good but here you go! Please review and thanks a bunch to everyone who reviewed the previous chapters.

Ste (Two months after Ste left Hollyoaks)

I was woken up by Alex shaking my shoulders. "Go away." I mumered, wanting to go back to dreaming.

"Come on, Ste! Do ya wanna be sacked?"

"Alright, alright." I pulled myself up and rubbed my eyes.

"Took your time," smirked Alex, "I've been trying to wake you up for the past ten minutes!"

"What time's it, like?" I mumbled, stretching.

"Almost half nine." He told me and I froze.

"Oh fuck." I said, wanting to hide back under my covers.

"Here." He said, chucking some clothes at me and leaving the room.

I jumped out of bed and hurriedly pulled on the trousers and T-shirt. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" I called.

"I've only woken just up before you!" His voice carried from the other room, "We stayed out a bit late last night."

"You think?" I said sarcastically. Last night... I remember we went to a club. Actually we went to a lot of clubs. God, how much had I drunk? More than I should of, that's how much, a hell of a lot more than I should of. Well, at least that explained my banging head ache. Ouch.

I rushed into work, only just making it on time.

I had two jobs: one at a club where both me and Alex worked, the other at a resteraunt. I'd gotten the job at the resteraunt almost by accident. There had been a cooking competition and Alex had dared me to enter. Suprisingly, I'd won and, even more suprisingly, the chef running the competition had offered me a job. He'd said that I had talent and that he'd help train me to be a chef. I'd been gob-smacked, of course, but I'd accepted happily. It had felt like something in my life had finally gone right. And God only knows I'd needed cheering up since...since I'd left. Not that I was going to dwell on that.

I'd figuered out that if I didn't think about it then I could almost forget. Almost. But I would never get over it, not properly. The crusifix around my neck was an ever-present reminder of the past - of _him_. I knew I should have got rid of it or at least put it away somewhere out of sight but I couldn't. Everytime I thought of taking it of I just couldn't. It was almost like I wanted to remind myself that it had been real, that once-upon-a-time I'd been in love. Ste Hay in love. It almost seemed funny now, thinking of how much I'd cared. I doubted I'd ever feel that again and part of me never wanted to. It was a feeling I'd shared with _him _and it didn't seem right thinking about the possibility that I could feel the same with someone else. Not that I regreted leaving. Everything had gone too far and I'd needed to escape. Sometimes, though I tried not to, I remembered how it had been and came so close to picking up the phone. But then I'd snap out of it and calm down, reminding myself why I'd left. I focused on all the bad times: all the betrayal, all the lies, the secrets, the pain, the bruises, the dissapointment.

But sometimes I missed the good times so much that I was almost willing to accept the bad times again, just so I could get the good ones too. How pitiful's that? I was pathetic, mourning our realationship like some love-sick girl.

So I never called him and he never called me. I wasn't sure whether I was dissapointed when he didn't try and get in touch or relieved. I didn't know if I'd of been able to take it if he had gotten in touch. I'd of probably went back like I had so many times before. When it came to Brendan I could be so weak, as if I had no self restraint at all. Not that it mattered because he didn't get in touch and so life went on;. My life went on - my new life.

I soon got used to being around Alex after all those years and it was as if we'd never been apart. He was a good mate, my best mate other than Amy. He was dead supportive and helped me when I missed my kids. Amy brought them to visit often but it wasn't the same as living with them. I'd asked Amy to move up here but she wanted to save up some money first. She said that there was no rush and that they'd come eventually. I still missed them though. That's why I held down two jobs, I needed the money for them. I owed them so much and I swore I wouldn't let them down again. The future looked brighter that it had in months.

Kieran, the chef and my boss, greeted me at the door with a mock glare. Kieran was in his 30's with short blonde hair and average height. He was a canny bloke who had helped me more than he'd ever know. I was extreamly grateful to him though he hated people praising him.

"I know, I know!" I said holding up my hands, "I'm late. I'm really sorry."

"Come on, we've got work to do." Kieran told me, walking through the resteraunt.

"Where's Sam?" I asked. Sam's another cook who works there and he'd never been off before.

"He's sick apparently." Kieran said, washing his hands before gesturing at me to do the same.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's a rare occasion but it does happen." He grinned, "That means it's just you and me today. You up for it?"

"'course." I said, although my head still felt like someone had jumped on it despite the asprin I'd took. Now that Sam was off I'd have even more work to do. Great. Oh well, might as well get on with it. "So, where do I start?"

Rachey Ayy xx


	14. How not to forget about Brendan Brady

Disclaimer: this is very annoying to write but I don't own Hollyoaks. The only things that are mine are Alex and Shane. Everything else ain't mine!

**Hiya!** It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry for the delay but, unfortunately, I have no excuse. I was just being lazy :(

Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed and who has kept reading. I love you guys!

Please review or send me a message, even if it's just to shout at me for taking so long!

Enjoy!

Brendan (Three months after Ste left Hollyoaks)

Every day just blended together into a mess of fights, regrets and whiskey. It was like I'd lost all purpose, like I had nothing to look forward too, nothing to work towards. Running the club became a dull routine and, more often that not, one of the punters would grate on my nerves so much that I'd snap and, as Cheryl put it, "cause a scene". And if they were mouthy it might even get into a fight. Not that I minded.

It felt like time was suspended. It felt like I was waiting for something to happen, for anything to happen. Hell, who was I kidding? There was only one thing that I wanted to happen and that was for Stephen to waltz back into my life.

I was lying on the couch with my arms resting behind my head: thinking. I did that an awful lot those days, just sat thinking. I did my best to avoid it but, when I was home alone with nothing to destract me, then I would find my mind wondering. And there was only one place my mind wondered - to thoughts of him. Thoughts of Stephen Hay. I was wondering what he was thinking of, in that exact moment, and whether he would be thinking about me. I doubted it. He'd probably moved on, forgotten about me. Then I thought of the crusifix. My fingers went to my chest where the cross used to be. Would he be wearing it? Or would he have discarded it and forgetten, just like our relationship? If you could've called it a relationship.

Cheryl burst into the room, waking me from my day-dreams. "Oh, hiya love." She said, walking through to the kitchen with her price-slice bags in tow. "What've you been up to?"

"Nothing." I said, only half-listening to her ramblings. It took skill to block Cherly Brady's voice out but I'd had plenty of practice. However, something she said caught my attention.

"Wait, what did you say about Amy Barnes?" I asked.

"Well, I was just talking to her. Apparently, her and the kids are moving today. Isn't that exciting?" She smiled but frowned when she looked at me. "What's up, Bren?"

Did she not realize what that meant? I knew where she'd be going. She'd be going to live with Stephen. Then the last thing that kept him tied to the village, the last thing that kept that spark of hope alive in my heart, would be gone. I'd always thought that he'd come back, that as long as his family was here - as long as his kids were here - then he'd _have _to come back. But now, now there was nothing. Ste would start a new life and forget all about Hollyoaks. Forget all about me. It all suddenly hit me. Stephen was gone. This was the final nail in the coffin, every trace of him would disappear until only memories remained. He wasn't coming back. Not tomorrow, not next year. Never.

I was up and out of the door before Cheryl could respond. I knew exactly where I was going. I was going to see Amy Barnes. Never let it be said that Brandan Brady gave up without a fight.

I turned around a corner and saw them. Amy was standing next to a cab with Leah by her side and little Lucas in her arms. Michaela Mc Queen was there and some bloke was there as well. Some aussie I didn't know. The cabby put a final suitcase into the boot before getting into the car.

I was frozen to the spot. I couldn't move as the scene unfolded before me it reminded me too much of a certain goodbye that took place three months previous. They all said goodbye and the McQueen hugged Amy before kissing Lucas on the head and smiling.

It was all very touching but there was only one thing that really got me. Something Amy said. "Manchester - here we come."

I smiled. Manchester. Stephen was in Manchester.

Now, I know Manchester isn't exactly a small place but it didn't matter. I _would _find him, all I had to do was look. This gave me somewhere to start.

Stephen may think we were over but we weren't. Far from it, in fact we were only just begining.

Ste (one week later)

Everything was great, almost perfect. _Almost_. Amy and the kids were living in a place really close by and I saw them all the time. I had loads of new mates that I'd met in Manchester. I had two jobs, both I enjoyed. I liked working in the bar because I got to work with Alex, plus I just liked the atmosphere there. I liked working in the resteraunt because it felt like I'd finally found something I was good at - something besides nickin' cars, scamming people and generally messing things up.

However, there was something missing. Amy said that I needed a relationship. She was constantly nagging me about it, saying it was time I "got back out there". What did she expect me to do? Get into something serious, invest my heart and my time into a relationship? What was the point? I knew it would only end in tears - it _always _ends in tears. Mine, usually. So, instead of anything heavy, I just had flings. One night stands. I never went back to someone twice, I didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea. Most were okay with it that way, hell, most _wanted _it that way. I'd go to a club and pick someone up. It wasn't hard, see someone half-decent, get talking and, by the end of the night, you'd end up at their's. Never mine, though. It was too personal. By the next day, everything was forgotten. We both went our seperate ways and everything was okay again. But things are never that simple, are they? No, there's always someone, isn't there? Someone who had to mess up my routine.

There was this bloke. I was at a club and I caught him staring at me. He looked nice enough - tall, short brown hair, nice body - and I thought, why not? So we talked, same as always and it ended up with us lying naked in his bed after sleeping together. Now, he wasn't half bad in bed but there was still something missing. There was _always _something missing. I knew what it was - this guy wasn't _him_. I could pick up any guy in any club in any fucking country but he still wouldn't be him. There was only one Brendan Brady and it did my bloody head in. I thought by now that I would be over him. But, no, he was still in there, in my thoughts, taunting me. Sometimes, I'd forget, just for a moment. Usually when I was with the kids or when I was really busy at work. I would forget all about Brendan and I'd forget how much I missed him. But then I'd remember and I would be back to square one. And there was always something to remind me. Hell, I was even wearing the damn cross he gave me.

So, anyway, I was lying in bed with this bloke. Shane, that was his name. All I could think about was how dissipointed I was. This was supposed to help me forget but instead all it did was remind me of him. God, I needed help. Shane, however, did not seem to share my views though.

"Mmm." He murmered, looking extreamly pleased with himself, "Ste, that was fucking amazing."

I hated this part. The part after, when all people wanted to do was kiss and talk. I used to be like that, used to enjoy coming down of my high but now it was too personal. I didn't want to kiss or cuddle or talk. I just wanted to leave. This was not the escape I'd wanted.

"D'ya mind if I go in the shower?" I asked, already distangling myself from him.

"Be my guest." He grinned, giving me lustful looks, "D'ya want me to join you?"

"I'm alright." I groaned inwardly, I just wanted to get showered and to get out of there.

8 minutes later I was out and pulling on my clothes.

"You're leaving already?" asked Shane, frowning.

"Yeah." I replied, pulling my hoodie on before heading towards the door.

"Well, when can I see you again?"

I sighed, "Never, okay? This was a one-off." With that said, I headed out the door. Maybe I was a bit harsh but I needed to get out and get my thoughts back together. Shane would just have to get over it.

I was half way down the street when I heard him running after me. God, this wasn't going to end well.

"What are you doing?" I asked, turning around to face him.

"'What am _I _doing?' What are you doing?" He said, "You're just going to walk away?"

"That is exactly what I'm going to do." I told him before turning to leave. He grabbed my arm, however, and yanked me back. Now, my immediate thoughts were that this was going to turn violent. Maybe it's wrong of me to assume that but it's just the way I was. I sized him up. He was around my size, maybe a little taller but he had this way about him that made him seem younger, like he hadn't really been through anything. He reminded me of Noah - not that he looked like him but the sense of naivity and childishness that surrounded him was similar. It wasn't hard to tell that the guy hadn't been through anything remotely traumatic or hard in his life. I, on the other hand, had been to Hell and back and, although it had left me heavily scarred, it made sure that I wasn't afraid of much. I certainly wasn't afraid of this kid. It was funny that we were probably very close to the same age and yet he seemed so much more juvinile.

"Get off me." I said, my voice low.

He dropped my arm but moved close to me. "Come on Ste. Before was... it was amazing. I know you must have felt it too. It's like we had a connection."

"No, you've got it all wrong." I shook my head.

Shane tried to kiss me. Did he not hear a word I'd said? "Gerrof!" I shoved him away.

"Ste-" He started to speak but I cut him off. This situation was not going in the direction I wanted it to go, not at all.

"Look, Shane. This was a one-time thing. Never again." I sighed, "Just do yourself a favour, yeah? Just forget about me."

Shane looked hurt and his face went red with embarrasment. But it quickly turned to anger, "I can't believe you. You're a bastard." He spat before storming back home. He'd thank me one day. Now, he could go of and find some other guy to be with; one who was a little more normal and a little less broken; one who could sleep with a guy without unwanted memories plagueing their mind. Yeah, I'd done him a favour.

I turned around just in time to see someone quickly spin around and begin going back down the street. For a second, I could've swore my heart stopped. I stared, dumbstruck, at the retreating form. I'd only saw his face for a second but I'd know him anywhere.

"Brendan?" I shouted, already running.

Rachey Ayy xx


	15. Reunion

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything 'cept Alex. Same old, same old.

Hiya! This chapters a bit longer than normal, sorry if it feels like I dither on a bit. Thanks to all you lovely people who review and please keep doing it. I love getting feedback!

Enjoy...

Brendan

I was heading towards the hotel, choosing to walk the long way there to help clear my head in the fresh air. Usually I'd drive but I'd left my car outside the hotel. I'd visited some people I used to know. They were the type that seemed to know everything about everyone. I'd asked them to keep an eye out for Stephen. It wasn't much but it was wort a shot. The rest of my day had been spent going to clubs and that, seeing if he had gone there looking for a job. So far, though, I'd had no luck but I wouldn't be discouraged. Manchester was a big place and I'd barely got through any of it. I would keep looking and, eventually, I would find him. I'd hire a fucking private detective if I had too. '_Whatever it takes,' _I thought to myself fiercly, '_whatever it takes to get him back.'_

So, I was walking down the street, lost in my thoughts, when I saw him. Yes, him. Stephen Hay, in the flesh. It was like God himself had dropped him there, just for me. I froze for a second, standing in the street like an eejit, just staring at him. This was beyond lucky, this was _fate_. What more proof did I need that we belonged together? Even the whole of Manchester couldn't bloody keep us apart. We were like magnets, always drawn back together whether we wanted it or not. I couldn't believe it.

Then I noticed the other guy. I'd never seen him before in my life but it seemed that Stephen knew him. I couldn't hear much of what they said, I just heard something about walking away. Then he kissed Stephen. _My _Stephen. He may as well have punched me in the gut. Unwanted thoughts sped through my mind. Stephen had a new life now, without me. He'd actually moved on. I'd tried not to think about it before but know it was shoved painfully in my face. Stephen had moved on. He probably had a nice new house and a nice new job and nice new mates. And then here was the icing on the cake - Stephens nice new boyfriend. He wasn't half bad, certainly a step up from Noah, but I still hated him. Lucky bastard.

I watched as Ste pushed him away but that didn't matter. Stephen obviously didn't care about me anymore. He'd left me behind like a I was just another mistake from the past and he hadn't looked back. I didn't want to stick around and watch Ste and whoever the fuck this was have a lover's tiff. I couldn't see Stephen right now - I was feeling too vulnerable. I'd just came all the way too Manchester and spent the whole day walking around trying to get any information about where he was when it was now painfully obvious that I'd wasted my time. Stephen was already over me. I was feeling embarassed and desperate and dejected and I just wanted to hide. Stephen couldn't see me like this, I was a mess. I turned around and started walking away as fast as I could without running. However, one word stpped me in my tracks. One simple word, a name actually. My name.

"Brendan?"

I hesitated before turning around. In a matter of seconds, Stephen was infront of me. My eyes roamed his body, drinking him in. It may have only been 3 months but he looked different. He'd filled out a bit, his chest looked broader, more stable. His hair was slightly damp and he looked amazing. I'd missed him, missed seeing him everyday.

"I can't believe it." He breathed, "What are you doing here?"

For all my Irish luck and Brady charm, I couldn't find my voice.

"Brendan...are you okay?" He asked. Strangely, he didn't seem angry. I thought he would be furious at me for interupting his new life but he looked fine.

"Yeah, I'm okay." I said, snapping out of my daze. "So, you and your boyfriend have a fight?" I asked, trying to sound mocking but sounding more curious.

"What?" Stephen asked, frowning. Then, it clicked and he shook his head, "Oh, him. He wasn't my boyfriend."

"He was kissing you." I pointed out.

"So? Doesn't mean he's my boyfriend." He said, defensive. "What are you doing here?"

"Can we talk about this somewhere else? Somewhere a little less," I gestured to the street around us, "public."

"Err, yeah. 'suppose so. We can go to mine." He replied.

"I'll give you a lift. My cars' near here." I told him.

20 minutes later, I pulled up to his house. It was nice, a lot better than the flat he used to live in. The ride there had been awkward to say the least. Stephen kept asking me why I was here but I kept saying that we could talk about it later. He was getting frustrated and I couldn't really blame him.

"Nice place." I commented getting out of the car.

"Yep." He told me, walking to the door and getting out his keys. I took a deep breath, mentally rebuilding my walls and preparing for anything. I honestly didn't know what was going to happen. I knew what I _wanted _to happen but it all on Stephen now. Was he really over me?

Ste

I left the door open and walked into the kitchen/dining room. I leant against the counter, looking at Brendan as he followed me in.

"Alright, Alex isn't due back for a while so we're alone. Can you please tell me what you're doing here?" I said.

"You live with Alex?" He asked, not-so-subtly changing the subject.

"Yes." I sighed. Brendan was as infuriating as ever. I'd finally getting over my shock at seeing him, now I just wanted to know what the fuck was going on. I really doubted Brendan just happened to be in Manchester.

"Are you...together?" He questioned, almost hesitantly, as if he wasn't sure if he should say anything. He was probably worried that he'd sound jealous. He shouldn't have worried because I knew him well enough to know that, yes, he was a jealous bastard but I didn't mind it. In fact, most of the time, I revelled in it. Not now though, I was too busy trying to work out what the hell he was doing.

"No, he's a mate. Nowt else. Not will you stop avoiding it and just tell me what you're doing here?"

"You really have to ask?" Brendan advanced on me, closing the gap between us.

"Yeah, I do. I haven't seen you in months Brendan." I had to resist the urge to run when he came closer, "I left. You weren't supposed to follow me."

"Really?" He asked but he was looking at my chest. He reached out and pulled at the chain around my neck, pulling the cross out from under my top so he could see it. When he realised it was _his _cross, Brendan smiled. It was just a small smile; the corner of his mouth just pulling up. However, it was a real, genuine smile, not a smirk. I used to love it when he smiled for real, it used to make me want to grin like a fool. I didn't though, not this time. "Aren't you happy to see me?"

"I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to forget me past." I told him. He looked at me knowingly - he hadn't failed to notice that I hadn't answered his question.

"Then why are you wearing this?" He questioned and I didn't have an answer, "Looks like you didn't want to forget everything after all."

"Why did you come here?" I said, my voice rising. I was defensive, I suppose. Brendan was right and I hated it.

"I'm not done with ya." He said in his irish drawl. God, I loved his voice, it sent shivers down my spine.

"You could have found someone else. It would've been alot easier than tracking me down." I retorted.

"I wanted ya, Stephen. You, not someone else. I wanted ya so I found ya." Brendan replied as if it was simple. I suppose, in some ways it was. He inched a bit closer, bodyheat radiated from him. I couldn't help it, my gaze dropped to his lips. He laughed. Damn!

"I'd say that you still want me. Am I wrong?" He smirked, always so sure of himself. I thought about telling him that yes, he was wrong but I doubted my voice would be level. I wouldn't be fooling anyone so I kept quiet.

"You want me." He repeated and the thing was, I did. I wanted him and it did my head in. He'd been in my head for the past three months - haunting me, taunting me, tempting me - but now he was here, in front of me and I didn't think I had the strength to resist him now.

"Say it." Brendan ordered but I refused to speak.

"Why are you being stubborn?" He asked, frustrated. It was then that my last resolve shatttered.

I needed this, I wanted this. And God only knows that after everything - after all the shit I'd been through and after how hard I'd tried to turn it all around - I think I deserved this. I deserved to be happy and Brendan made me happy. But, if I woke up in the morning and history repeats itself and I end up with a broken heart, then I'll deserve that too - for going back, for caving in. If that's what was going to happen then so be it. I was going to be as happy as I could right now, even if the happiness is short lived. I couldn't, wouldn't, question this feeling anymore. Brendan made me feel so unbelievably amazing and I wanted him. In that second, that's all that counted. I wanted him and he wanted me. It wasn't a time to think of mistakes from the past and uncertanties of the future; it was time to just act. I kissed him as hard as I could. It was filled with passion and he returned it equally. It felt like home.

I looked up at him with lust-filled eyes and he smiled. My hands raked through his hair and he pulled me back to him. Brendan's tounge traced my lips, wanting entry. My lips parted and I moaned into his mouth as out tounge's touched. He tasted amazing, like nothing I'd ever seen before. His fingers gripped my neck, setting my skin on fire. This was what I'd been missing, what I couldn't find in any of the other guys I'd seen: this fire, this passion. I'd only ever experienced it with Brendan.

"Bedroom?" He mumbled against my mouth.

"This way." I replied, dragging him through the room towards the stairs.

We reached the bedroom in a frenzied state, both of us tugging at the others clothes, desperate to touch each other.

Soon, I'm standing naked in the room and Brendan looks me up and down. I would've been embarassed if it wasn't for the evident need and lust in his eyes that showed just how much he wanted me. He shoves me onto the bed and climbs on top of me, the mattress bouncing beneath us.

Brendan

I pinned him to the bed, enjoying the heat of his body beneath mine. Now that he was naked, I could see that he had filled out. His chest broader, his arms bigger. Over all: less fragile, less breakable.

I kissed down his jaw, stopping at his throat to bite the delicious, flawless skin there. I sucked and bit till I was sure it would leave a mark. I looked at my work and smiled - it wouldn't be fading anytime soon. All the while, Stephen was groaning as his hands gripped my hair. God, the sound of his voice turned me on. He was still wearing the cross, I was glad. It was like proof that he hadn't forgotten me, not even for a moment.

"Bren," he whined and I smiled. This was how it should be: me and Stephen. Always me and Stephen.

I led my trail of kissed further down his body and he gasped. I was going to make sure that Stephen remembered exactly where he belonged.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

We lay in the bed, limbs and sheets tangled together till I didn't know where I ended and he began. We were both hot, sticky and breathless - just the way I liked it. His head rested on my shoulder and he looked like he belonged there, with my arm wrapped around him.

Stephen looked up at me and grinned - that stupid, foolish grin that made me want to grin back.

"What time is it?" He asked lazily, yawning.

"My phone's in my trouser pocket." I told him. He sighed before getting up.

"Err, Bren, where _are _your trousers?" He asked, looking around.

I sat up and spotted them under a table on the far side of the room. They must have gotten kicked under there. I pointed before settling back down in the bed, content to lie there forever. Well, I would be if Stephen would hurry up and get back in bed, that is.

"Shit." He muttered.

"What?" I asked.

"Alex is due back any second now." He explained, looking panicked.

"So?"

"Well, he ain't gonna be very happy when he finds out you're here." Ste bit his lip and I stared, "He might tell Amy. God, she'll go off it."

"Stephen, are you trying to say you're ashamed of me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, but that won't stop Ames hating me. She proper hates you and when she finds out 'bout this..." He trailed of.

"Who cares about Amy Barnes?" I huffed, streching.

"Brendan." Stephen said, in a warning tone. "She _is _me best mate. Well, 'part from Alex. Anyway, what am a gonna do?"

Ste

"Stephen, calm down. Jesus." Brendan sighed. I glared at him and was about to say something but the sight of him in my bed left me at a loss for words. He looked like he belonged there, in my bed, naked and covered in sweat, his hair messed up. I still couldn't quite believe what had happened. Brendan had came looking for me. Brendan Brady - the guy who chases no one, but had chased after me. Events had certainly took a U-turn. 4 hours ago, my life , although normal and stable, wasn't looking great. I'd been missing something, something important, and that missing piece was now occupying my bed.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and gasped. God, the state of my neck - it was covered with hickeys and I knew they wouldn't fade anytime soon. I knew what Brendan had been doing - he was marking me as his. And I _was _his, as much as I hated to admit it. Even when I left Hollyoaks, a part of me had been left behind. Now I was complete again. I smiled.

When I'd left I'd told myself that I wouldn't regret my decision and I didn't regret it. Moving away had set me free, give me a new life, new oppertunities. But that didn't mean that I regreted sleeping with Brendan. I knew that we had alot of issues to get past and alot of things that needed saying but I wanted him in my life, needed him in my life.

My thoughts were interrupted by someone coming into the house.

"Hey, Ste? You in?" A voice shouted. Alex.

"Oh, fuck!" I whispered. I grabbed my clothes and hastily put them on. I knew I wanted Brendan but I wasn't sure how he fitted into my life in Manchester. Our relationship in Hollyoaks had been a mess of secrets, violence, anger, jealousy, control, lust and love. Not an ideal combination. But I was more in control here, I had an entirely new life. I didn't rely on Brendan anymore. I wasn't a victim or anything. So, maybe it would be easier. Who knows? All I did know was that I wasn't ready to deal with it just yet.

"Here." I hissed, tossing Brendan's clothes on the bed.

"Seriously?" He asked, looking sceptical.

"Please?"

"Fine." he sighed, getting up. "But we can't hide up here, you know. Not forever." I snorted. That was hilerious coming from him - I still remembered all the times he's had me sneaking out of his house behind Cheryl's back because he couldn't deal with things. Well, now it was my turn.

"Ste?" Alex's voice was close, very close. As in right-outside-the-door close. He wouldn't just come in, would he? Oh,who was I kidding. Of course he would! He was Alex, he didn't know the meaning of the word privacy.

"Hey, Ste. Who's car's that outside?" He said, walking in.

Luckily, we were both dressed. Alex stared at both of us for a second before looking pissed of. "Ste, what the hell is he doing here?"

"Er, Alex. I guess you remember Brendan?" I said, trying to stall. This felt awfully fimiliar, it reminded me of the time Mitzeee and Rae had walked in on me and Brendan in the club.

"Of course I remember him. He's your psycho ex-boyfriend. The one who beat you up and wrecked your life." Both me and Brendan winced at that, "Now, I'll ask again. What the hell is he doing here?"

"Look, Alex," Brendan started but Alex cut him off.

"I wasn't asking you." He growled. "Why don't you get the fuck out of my house?"

"Why don't you make me?" Brendan stepped forward threateningly.

"No!" I yelled, putting my hand on Brendan's chest and pulling him back, "Jesus! Can you both just stop, yeah. Just stop."

Alex looked momenterily apologetic, "I'm sorry Ste but you shouldn't have let him mess with you again."

Brendan, on the other hand, still looked ready for a fight. "What's it got to do wi' you, anyway?"

"I'm Ste's mate. I actually care about him, unlike you!" Alex retorted.

"What would you know?" Brendan snarled.

"Oh my god! You's are doing my head in." I yelled, glaring at them. "Can't you just talk like bloody grown ups."

"You're one to talk." teased Alex but I knew he was trying for me. Trying to find out what was going on, trying to help me out. He was really loyal, one of the best mates I could ever ask for.

"Whatever. So can you both calm down?"

"Fine." Alex said, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

I looked at Brendan pointedly. "Fine." He grumbled.

Two minutes later we were sat downstairs in the living room, Brendan and Alex sitting on oppisate ends of the couch. It was almost funny, the expressions of disgust on thier faces when ever they looked at each other. Well, it would've been funny if they weren't two of the people I cared most, except Amy and the kids, hating each other.

"Does Amy know?" Alex questioned.

"No, not yet." I replied. I wouldn't know what to tell her. I mean, were me and Brendan together now? Or did he want things to be like they were before, always on his terms?

"Well, are you gonna tell her?" He asked.

"I dunno." I sighed. "I just need to talk to Brendan."

"So talk." He said.

"I meant in private." I told him.

"Well, I'm not going. I just got here." Alex replied, sulkily.

"We could go to my hotel." Brendan told me, ignoring Alex completely.

"Okay. Right. Come on then." I headed towards the door, gesturing for him to follow.

Brendan drove us to the hotel where we would "talk". God only knows there was a lot to talk about. The problem was, not all of it was good. Who knew what would know what would resurface when we started delving into our past? I knew though that we couldn't go on without moving past everything else. We couldn't keep brushing things under the carpet. I only hoped we were strong enough to get through our own past.

Rachey Ayy xx


	16. Delving into the past

DISCLAIMER: I dont own Hollyoaks.

Hi! It's been a while -sorry 'bout that. I know I repeat myself in this chapter but I wanted to show both POVs. Please review, it means a lot!

Ste

We were in the hotel suite. It was a nice place. Small, but classy. Private. Better than any bed-n-breakfast I've ever stayed at, that's for sure. Brendan was sitting on the bed, looking at me. Just looking. We weren't touching in any way at all - I was leaning against a wall at the other end of the room. Then why were there shivers going up and down my spine?

This felt like an important moment - a make it or break it kind of thing. It reminded me of that day, the day Brendan had told me that he loved me. I just hoped that things didn't the same way - in broken promises and regrets.

I was silent for a long time; questions, statements, apologies, declarations, all running through my head in the same moment.

"Why did you come after me?" I asked, eventually. It was a simple question yet it was important.

"What kind of question's that? You know why." Brendan told me.

"Do I?" I asked because sometimes I wondered. Sometimes, there were these moments of clarity when I thought I could finally see into the mind of Brendan Brady and it was fasinating and terrifying all at once. But, at other times, it was like I'd never known him at all.

"I didn't want to lose you." He replied.

"Why? Why not find someone else? You never chase after anybody, so why go after me?"

"Why is this important?" Brendan asked, eyes narrowed, "You want me, I want you. Simple. Why are you complicating it?"

I needed him to tell me what was going on inside his head and I needed to believe him. "Because it _is _complicated! Nothing about us has ever been simple! Why me?"

"You want to know why I came for you but no one else? Well fine, I'll tell ye! It's because you aren't like any of the others, you're different. I couldn't lose you, okay? I couldn't lose ye." He yelled, standing up.

I couldn't help but notice he still hadn't said it, hadn't said those three words that he'd only told me once, "Do you love me?"

"I don't know what love is." He told me, defeated. He sat back on the bed.

"You think I do?" I replied, "You think that you're the only one who is confused here? Well, you're not! I've never loved anyone like this before, not even Amy. So, you might not know what love is Brendan, but what do you know?"

" All I know is that, whenever I walk into a room, I look for ye even when I know you aren't gonna be there. I know that I hated all the months that I didn't see you and that it was so hard not knowing where you were and if you were okay. I know that I want to touch you whenever you're near me and that I've never wanted someone so much in my life. I know that I trust ye more than anyone else though I have no idea why. I know that you would always come back to me and when you didn't and I thought I'd lost ye, it made me feel terrified. I know that I would do anything for you and it scares me because I have no idea when you started being one of the most important things in my life, but ye are." Brendan spoke in a rush, as though, if he didn't say it now, he would never say it.

I didn't know what to say. He hadn't said 'I love you' but it felt like he'd said so much more, like he'd opened up his heart for me, at least a little. "This is mental." I sighed, head in hands.

He laughed, not a real laugh but a hollow, desperate laugh. He sounded lost, exposed. I knew how much it had cost him to come after me, he'd gone against his number 1 rule: never allow yourself to be vulnereble. But he was vulnerable now, I knew if I rejected him, that he wouldn't recover - that he'd never bring his walls down again. But I couldn't help thinking about the past - about all the times I was vulnerable and open yet he always hurt me anyway. I couldn't go through that again.

"I should hate you. After everything, I should hate you - I should want nothing to do with you. You've hurt me so much. You've lied to me, hit me. I trusted you and"

"Trust?" Brendan interupted, " Like when ye 'trusted' me when I was in prison? You thought I killed those girls. You wanted nothing to do with me. Ye should have trusted me then!"

"I was grieving. My friend had just died. I needed someone to blame." I replied. It was true. I'd been confused and angry. I hadn't thought anything through.

"You should have known me better than that! Cheryl and Lindsey didn't think I was capable of it." Brendan growled. I knew he was getting angry but so was I.

"Well, they didn't know about Danny!" I snapped. Brendan looked shocked for a second before his face became an unreadable mask.

"That's different and you know it. I did that for you." He said calmly.

"I know you did." I took a deep breath and rested my head against the wall, looking at the ceiling, "But it's still messed up. All of this is messed up."

"I didn't even mean to do it," Brendan said quietly. I looked at him, he was staring into space like he was thinking. "He was threatening you. I couldn't let him hurt you. He had no right. I needed to keep you safe. I didn't think about it, I just panicked. I just kept thinking of you and imagining you in hospital or something. I knew that Danny wasn't lying - he meant it. He would've hurt you, killed you. I couldn't let it happen."

I moved to sit next to him on the bed. He blinked and looked at me as if he was coming out of a day-dream. "Do you still think about it?" I asked.

"All the time," he told me honestly, "It's not the type of thing you forget."

"Do you regret it?"

"No." Brendan said, "I hate what I did but if I could go back, I would do it again - if it meant keeping you safe."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" He asked.

"For bringing it up." I explained.

"I really thought I'd lost you then," He said, not looking in my direction, "When you found out about Danny. All the other times you'd left because of... because of what I did to you - it was different. But when I was in the hospital, I really thought you hated me."

"I did hate you, at the time. Well, I thought I did but I didn't really. I've never really hated you because I've always loved you. It's like, no matter how much I hate you, the love I feel just cancel's it out, you know? It cancels everything else out. I hate myself sometimes - for loving you. But, no matter what, I can't make it go away. And God knows I've tried. I try to forget about you but you're always in my head. Whenever you're gone, I'm a mess. I can't think straight." I sighed, thinking of all the time we'd spent apart and knowing that Brendan had always been in my thoughts, all the time. "I can't explain what you do to me but you've changed everything. Bloody _everything_. I can't even remember what life was like before." I groaned, "I sound pathetic, don't I?"

Brendan shook his head, "I tried to get over you. Loads of times. But I just... couldn't. It was like trying to breath underwater. Eventually, I just gave up."

"Gave up what?" I asked.

"Trying to forget you. Trying to resist you. Eventually I just accepted that I needed you - there was nothing else I could do. I didn't know what to do except keep you close- no matter what."

"But...you didn't accept it. You didn't want to be with me." I frowned.

"No, I didn't accept being gay. I didn't want everyone to know about me. I didn't accept me." Brendan explained. "But you...I knew that I wanted you in my life - always."

"So that's why you came to Manchester to find me." I summarized.

He nodded, "I couldn't get over you. Even if...even if you walk out now and say you want nothing to do with me, even if I never see you again, I don't think I'll ever forget you. It scares me because I don't know what to do without you."

Brendan

We were talking. Not fighting, not fucking but _talking_. And we weren't angry and the words we were using weren't aimed to hurt and the they weren't filled with lies. We were both being honest and open. _I_ was being honest and open and it scared the shit outta me because I couldn't help but think about him rejecting me. I was taking down all my walls, allowing myself to be vulnerable bacuse I knew that Steohen was worth it. I just wasn't sure if I was. I mean, he'd given me everything and all I'd done is hurt him. He deserved better but I needed him. I knew he could destroy me, in that moment, Stephen Hay had the power to destroy me. This was it because if I lost him... I wouldn't get better. I wouldn't bounce back. I wouldn't be able to drag myself of the floor, not this time. He'd become too important, an essential part of my life. So, this time, I didn't hide.

"All I know is that, whenever I walk into a room, I look for ye even when I know you aren't gonna be there. I know that I hated all the months that I didn't see you and that it was so hard not knowing where you were and if you were okay. I know that I want to touch you whenever you're near me and that I've never wanted someone so much in my life. I know that I trust ye more than anyone else though I have no idea why. I know that you would always come back to me and when you didn't and I thought I'd lost ye, it made me feel terrified. I know that I would do anything for you and it scares me because I have no idea when you started being one of the most important things in my life, but ye are." It was the truth. It sounded needy, pathetic even, but it was the truth. This was how low I'd sunk for Stephen. I told him things I'd barely even admitted to myself. My Da would curse me to the pitts of Hell for ever allowing someone to know how much power they had over me. 'Never show weakness' - that's what he'd say. But, what did it matter now? What did it matter if I wasn't being big-man Brendan Brady for a while. If I lost Stephen now, none of it would matter anyway.

"This is mental." He said. I laughed at that. He was telling me? I knew it was mental. This feeling that I had for him, it was like a fire that I couldn't put out. It was like an obsession; I was a man possessed. Stephen drove me crazy, but being without him was a million times worse.

"I should hate you. After everything, I should hate you - I should want nothing to do with you. You've hurt me so much. You've lied to me, hit me. I trusted you and" he said and my heart started to break again.

"Trust? Like when ye 'trusted' me when I was in prison? You thought I killed those girls. You wanted nothing to do with me. Ye should have trusted me then!" I knew what was coming - the enevitable rejection. Never let anyone close - it was a rule I'd stuck to my whole life. Now I'd gone and broken it and I knew what the consequence would be. But some of my walls came back up and I did the only thing I could think of - I lashed out. I wanted to make him hurt too because I knew how much it was gonna hurt when he told me that he didn't love me anymore. When I found out I'd lost him. I wanted to blame him for this mess, I wanted to hide again, brush it all off. But I couldn't. So I tried to shove it back in his face, like it was _his _fault. But it wasn't his fault. The pain I was in now - I'd caused it all myself.

"I was grieving. My friend had just died. I needed someone to blame." He told me and I knew it was true. Not that that had helped me when I'd been behind bars.

"You should have known me better than that! Cheryl and Lindsey didn't think I was capable of it." That was also true. Stephen knew me better than anyone. He should have believed in me. Of all the people that had thought I was guilty, having Stephen think it hurt the most.

"Well, they didn't know about Danny!" Ste said and I was speachless for a second. Then, I reigned in my shock and put up my best poker face.

"That's different and you know it. I did that for you." I told him. All the thoughts of Danny that I tried to push away, they came flooding back. That last line I'd crossed, the action that would haunt me forever but that I cound never regret.

"I know you did. But it's still messed up. All of this is messed up." He said. Messed up - that described it perfectly. I remembered all the nights that I'd sat up thinking about it. Danny was still playing with me, even when he was bloody dead. I couldn't sleep after that night, not for a long while. Anytime I'd managed to drift of I'd have nightmares of Danny, lying in a pool of blood on the celler floor; nighmares of the police, arresting me for it, me spending the rest of my life in prison; but the worst one, the one that scared me most, was the dream when I hadn't killed Danny, the dream where I stood beside a coffin, Stephen's beautiful body lying inside. It made me realise how vulnerable he was - all it took was a deal gone wrong, the wrong person finding out about our relationship...the things a guy like Danny could do to Stephen. The only time I was able to sleep properly for months was when Stephen was lying in bed beside me, my arms around him. I knew that I would never let anything happen to him. Never.

"I didn't even mean to do it. He was threatening you. I couldn't let him hurt you. He had no right. I needed to keep you safe. I didn't think about it, I just panicked. I just kept thinking of you and imagining you in hospital or something. I knew that Danny wasn't lying - he meant it. He would've hurt you, killed you. I couldn't let it happen." I told him but my mind was elsewhere. All the thoughts that made me shiver, they were rising to the surface.

Stephen sat down beside me on the bed. I was so grateful to him then because hewas like my lifeboat - he was the one thing that stopped me from drowning in all the things I'd done. His arm just brushed mine, that was it, the barest touch but it was enough to keep me stable. I honestly needed that boy, more than I needed anything.

"Do you still think about it?" He asked. He wasn't looking at me like I disgusted him. That's what I expected but he didn't. He looked at me like he understood what I was going through and maybe he did, even if it was just a little bit. Either way, he _tried _to understand which was more than most people would do. Stephen always was so patient. Well, not always but he was when it counted. He always waited for me, no matter how much it cost him.

"All the time. It's not the type of thing you forget." I said.

"Do you regret it?"

"No. I hate what I did but if I could go back, I would do it again - if it meant keeping you safe." I replied. I would do anything for him, he should've known that by now. Even if he hated me, I would still do anything for him because that's what you do, what I'll always do, for the people you care about most.

"I'm sorry." Stephen said.

"What for?" I asked becasue I honestly had no clue. What had he done wrong? He didn't hate me...well, he was at least willing to be in the same room as me which was quite suprising considering all he knew about me. Or maybe not that suprising considering the fact that he'd never given up on me before, not completely.

"For bringing it up."

"I really thought I'd lost you then," I said, looking at the floor, "When you found out about Danny. All the other times you'd left because of... because of what I did to you - it was different. But when I was in the hospital, I really thought you hated me." I remembered with clarity how much it had hurt - watching him walk away. I'd thought it had been well and truly over then. Of course, it hadn't been over but I hadn't know that then. I hadn't known the strength of the bond me and Stephen shared, hadn't known that it was capable of surviving something as huge as murder. But it _had _survived, we'd made it through because that's what we were best at - making it past everything, moving on from everything except each other.

"I did hate you, at the time. Well, I thought I did but I didn't really. I've never really hated you because I've always loved you. It's like, no matter how much I hate you, the love I feel just cancel's it out, you know? It cancels everything else out. I hate myself sometimes - for loving you. But, no matter what, I can't make it go away. And God knows I've tried. I try to forget about you but you're always in my head. Whenever you're gone, I'm a mess. I can't think straight. I can't explain what you do to me but you've changed everything. Bloody _everything_. I can't even remember what life was like before. I sound pathetic, don't I?"

I shook my head because he'd just described how I felt. Stephen was my _everything_. I couldn't think of my life without him because he _was _my life. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and he would be the last thing I thought of at night, right before I dreamt about him as well.

"I tried to get over you. Loads of times. But I just... couldn't. It was like trying to breath underwater. Eventually, I just gave up." I told him, my walls all but vanished completely.

"Gave up what?"

"Trying to forget you. Trying to resist you. Eventually I just accepted that I needed you - there was nothing else I could do. I didn't know what to do except keep you close- no matter what." I told him. I remembered how much I had tried to fight the pull I felt towards him. Then, afterwards, how much I'd tried telling myself that it was purely physical. However, even I couldn't convince myself that everything between us was meaningless.

"But...you didn't accept it. You didn't want to be with me." He said. But it was two diferent things - me accepting him and his place in my life and me accepting myself,

"No, I didn't accept being gay. I didn't want everyone to know about me. I didn't accept you...I knew that I wanted you in my life - always." I explained. To me, Stephen was perfect. It was me that had the problem. Words like _queer _and _unnatural _were too ingrained in me, too much a part of my past. But it felt so right when we were together that I couldn't push him away anymore. What we had couldn't _not _be right.

"So that's why you came to Manchester to find me." Stephen said finally.

"I couldn't get over you. Even if...even if you walk out now and say you want nothing to do with me, even if I never see you again, I don't think I'll ever forget you. It scares me because I don't know what to do without you." I was completely defenceless now. It was all up to him. I just hoped that he was willing to take me back into his life.

"What are we going to do Bren?" He asked, sighing.

"What d'ya mean?" I asked because he couldn't be talking about what I thought he was...could he?

"I live in Manchester now. I have a whole new life here: mates, jobs, flat. You have the club in Hollyoaks. What are we gonna do?" He explained.

"You mean... you want to be with me?" I asked, shocked.

He smiled. I loved it when he smiled. "Yeah. All the time I was here, all I was thinking about was you. I can't not be with you, Brendan. I need you."

I grinned which made his smile widen. "So what are we gonna do?" He asked again.

"It doesn't matter." I told him, reaching out and stroking his cheek, "We'll make it work, okay? As long as I've got you, I'll make it work."

"I missed you Bren." He whispered, leaning forward so our lips were inches apart.

"I missed you too." I replied, closing the distance between us. We went slow at first. Taking our time. After all, we had all the time in the world now. His lips were soft beneath mine and his tounge interwined with mine as the kiss deepened. Stephen moved so he was sitting in my lap, his legs either side of me. His hands were tangled in my hair whilst I held him close, my hands around his back.

I pulled away so I could look at him. God, he was beautiful. Swolen lips, gorgeous skin, his eyes that told me so much about him. He frowned at me, confused as to why I'd stopped the kiss.

"I love you Stephen." I told him. He grinned.

"I love you Bren." he replied before kissing me forcefully, our bodies falling, entangled,onto the bed.

Rachey Ayy xx


	17. Because I love you

Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks - if I did, Stug would not exist and the show would just be 30 minutes of Stendan but, alas, it wasn't mean to be. ;)

Please, please, _please _review. Pretty please? Thanks to everyone who has in the past! Really sorry for the wait. I have no excuses but I am really sorry. :(

Enjoy

Ste

We left the hotel the next morning. It didn't take long for the real world to catch up with us. I knew it was never going to be easy - I wasn't that thick. We both had a lot of issues, neither of us was perfect and we still had a past that would take time to work through. But, it was still a shock. When we were in the hotel, just the two of us, it had been so easy to believe it when he said 'I love you' and it hadn't been hard to say it back. But, then again, it had always been so simple when we were together, when we were alone in a room somewhere - just the two of us. But the rest of the world always got in the way - people got in the way. And there was always something, wasn't there? Always something new to face, always some new problem to deal with. Almost as soon as we stepped out of the hotel we had problems, problems that made me want to go back to the hotel room and hide under the bed-covers with Brendan till the end of time. However, we couldn't hide forever. If I learnt anything in the months apart from Brendan, it's that you can't hide from the truth. At the time, I'd been trying to hide from my feelings. Now I wanted to hide from everything _except _my feelings. But we had to face our problems, sooner rather than later.

Problem number 1: where to go. Alex knew we were going to talk but I wasn't sure if we should go back to the flat yet. It was no secret that Alex didn't like Brendan. However, the only other place we could go was to Amy's.

That brought me nicely to problem 2: How to tell Amy and everyone else that me and Brendan were back together.

Then there was problem 3; working out how we were going to do...this. All of it - being in a relationship. We were hardly experts after all. There was also the issue of the living arrangements (me being in Manchester and Brendan living in Hollyoaks)

I decided to tackle both problem one and part of problem two by heading to Amy's. I figured that problem 3 would sort itself out, in time. Eventually we'd work out how to deal with all the domestic stuff but, for now, I was happy to just sort out everything else.

I told Brendan about my idea to visit Amy and he seemed less than thrilled. Not that I could blame him, I wasn't exactly looking forward to it. We both knew exactly how it would go. Despite his objections and only half-joking offers to go back to the hotel and never leave, Brendan drove to Amy's following my directions.

Amy was living in a small house with Leah and Lucas. It may have been small, but it was alot better than the flat we used to live in. It had been weird at first, not living with them. We'd spent so much time together - they were like my safety blanket. However, I''d gotten used to it and it for the best in the long run. It gave us both space. Amy had a new boyfriend, a guy called Damien, and it wouldn't have been great if she was still living with her ex, even if I _was _gay. She even had a new job as a teaching assistant. Our lives had taken a suprising turn for the better and Amy was happier than I'd seen her in a long time. It really was too bad that I was about to wreck that.

I was bricking myself. She was going to hate me - I just knew it. I could picture it now: she'd look at me like she was so dissipointed and my heart would break because she's one of the few people who's opinion I actually care about. Then she'd tell me something about not going anywhere near me while Brendan was around and everything I'd worked so hard would all go to shit because I couldn't give Brendan up. I'd already tried.

We were standing at her door and I was trying to sum up the courage to knock. Brendan must have sensed my unease and, a second later, his hand slipped into mine. Previously, I would have marveled at this - Brendan holding my hand in public. I would have savoured the moment and filed it away to memory so, when everything got messed up again, I'd be able to remember this moment and know that he loved me. I knew that I was the first guy he'd ever been so open with. The knowledge sent a little thrill through me but this wasn't the time to think about it. So I just gave Brendan's hand a reassuring squeeze before letting him go and knocking on the door. I wanted to do this myself. If I couldn't even face Amy without holding onto Brendan for support then how were we ever going to make it work? I wasn't going to be ashamed of my decision. A lot of things had changed between me and Brendan and it wasn't the same as last time. This was a new start and, like everything else worth a damn in life, I was going to fight for it.

"Coming!" Came a shout from inside and the door was opened a second later to reveal Damien. I liked Damien - he was good for Amy. He was more mature than Lee but still up for a laugh and he was willing to spend time with the kids. He wasn't bad looking either, with his long-ish dark hair and warm brown eyes. Amy deserved someone like him and I was more than happy for them.

"Ste!" He smiled, "What are you doing here? We weren't expecting you." He looked at Brendan and frowned slightly. I suppose he wasn't used to me bring random strangers around - especially tall, dark strangers in suits who looked ready to bolt. "Who's this?"

"Er... Damien, this is Brendan. Brendan, this is Damien - Amy's boyfriend." I said, gesturing.

"Nice to meet you." Said Damien.

"You too." replied Brendan gruffly.

"So, do you two want to come in. I suppose you want to talk to Amy?" He asked.

"Yeah." I said, before entering the house after Damien moved out of the doorway. Brendan followed after.

Amy walked down the stairs and smiled when she saw me. The smile dissapeared when she saw Brendan. "What is he doing here?"

"It's good to see you too." Muttered Brendan.

"Amy, I know that you don't want to but we have to talk." I told her but she just glared.

"I don't care! Get him out of my house Ste!" She yelled.

"Amy, please!" I begged. She could at least hear me out.

"No!" She shook her head and looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was. "I can't believe you! You would take him back after everything. We moved to get a fresh start. Not for you to get back with _him_!"

"Amy, ju-" Brendan began but she cut him off.

"No! You don't get to speak. You have_ no right _to come here!" She stopped shouting and her voce became dangerously quiet. "Ste could've had a new life, he could've been happy. But no - you had to find him and wreck everything. And it's not out of love so don't bother. It's because you want to control him, want him to need you just like you need him. You couldn't stand the thought of Ste having any sort of life that you weren't part of because, in the end, without Ste, you're nothing. _Nothing_. Just a sad, pathetic man who is so terrified of who he is that he hurts everyone around him. You care so much about controling people that that's all you have left and then, when people wake up and see the bastard you really are, they'll take back the control and you'll have nothing. You thought you had everything. Well, Ste took his life back, took back control and you can't deal with it. He want's to move on Brendan - just let him go!"

I stood their, shocked, gaping at Amy. I couldn't believe how much she'd gotten wrong. She thinks I could've been happy? She think's I want to move on? She doesn't have a clue.

"Amy! You're completely out of order. I can't believe you!" I yelled. She didn't even want to hear what me and Brendan had to say. No, she thought she knew what was best, like always. Well, she was wrong this time. Really wrong.

I turned to Brendan but found that he'd gone. I rushed outside and found him in the car, his head resting on the steering wheel.

I walked to the car and opened the door.

"Brendan." I said, softly.

"Brendan." I repeated, more forcefully when he didn't answer.

"She's right." He mumbled.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, getting in the car fully.

"Amy - she's right. You could've been happy."

"I _am _happy. You make me happy." I assured him but he looked at me skeptically.

"Okay. So we've had some ups and downs." I admitted and he snorted, "but there _is _a reason we always ended up back together."

"Because I made it happen. I manipulated you into getting back with me." He told me.

"You might be a controling, possessive, manipulative bastard when you want to be Brendan, but even _you _aren't that good. You can't make someone fall in or out of love. Believe me - I've tried. I got back with you because you make me feel alive, more alive than I've ever felt before. I got back with you because you understand me, _all _of me. And, to be honest, you're the only one who's ever managed that."

"Are they the only reasons?" He asked. He wouldn't look at me, he was staring out of the window. It had started to rain, drops slideing down the glass. It reminded me of the day I'd left Hollyoaks, it had been raining then too.

"No. You are the most complex and simple person I've ever met. You don't trust people, you don't rely on people but when you care about someone - you would do anything for them. You are the most amazing person I've ever met."

Brendan didn't look convinced. I knew I wasn't good with words - never had been really. I decided to keep it simple and honest.

"Look at me." I said. "Brendan, look at me." When he finally drew his gaze away from the window to look me in the eye, I spoke.

"There is so many things that I like about you and so many things that hate about you. Yeah, you aren't perfect but neither am I. I've made loads of mistakes, me. You say you manipulated my feelings and that but it doesn't matter. After everything we've been through through, Brendan, only one thing matters, right: I'm in love with you and it isn't going to go away any time soon. So, we can either get out of the car together, go and face the rest of the world and try to make a real go of it or I can stay behind whilst you drive back to Hollyoaks alone, we can go our seperate ways and someday, we might even forget about everything. I know which I'd rather do, but it's up to you, Brendan. Do you want me?"

He was silent and I could see the battle raging within. He wouldn't meet my eyes and I knew what he'd decided. I closed my eyes tightly and clenched my jaw to stop any tears that were coming. Now wasn't the time for tears. I took a deep breath and got out of the car. It was raining heavily now, the water soaking through my clothes to my shivering skin. I stood outside the car for a few seconds, pulling myself together. I forced myself to walk towards Amy's and away from Brendan.

I'd only gotten a few metres before I felt someone pulling my arm, spinning me around. I looked up and met the blue eyes of Brendan Brady. He was frowning at me slightly, as if I was a puzzle he hadn't quite worked out yet. He hadn't escaped the rain either: it was running down his face, clinging to him hair and dripping off his nose, soaking through his suit. His mouth was slightly open and I swallowed. It wasn't fair that he was so fucking gorgeous, even if I wasn't in love with him, I knew I'd still fancy him. He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me towards him, his lips crushing against mine desperately. Drops of rain slid down the back of my neck and down my back, making me shiver. He plunged his tounge into my mouth, eager to taste. I reacted easily, my body fitting against his effortlessly, my hands behind his back, pulling him towards me with equal urgency. The rain mingled with our kiss, the heat of Brendan and the chill of the water contrasting drastically. His tounge roamed around my mouth with skill and familiararity. The friction of his moustache most likely left me red but I didn't care. We only pulled away when we needed air and even then we stayed close, our shared body heat the only thing stopping us from shivering. I looked up at him, soaking wet and lips swollen, his suit all messed up. He'd never looked more beautiful. I fucking loved him in that moment, more than ever before. I was in love with Brendan Brady and I didn't mind. In fact, I loved being in love with him! Being with him made me feel something I never thought I'd ever experience.

"So we're definately gonna do this?" I asked, slighly breathless.

"We'll do it together."

"Always." I said, grinning, before pulling his lips back down to meet mine again.

Rachey Ayy xx


	18. Defy the odds

Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or it's characters.

Hiya! This is the last enstallment in 'He hates me sometimes but loves me always'. It's shorter than I would've liked and, looking back, some of the writing hasn't been that great. However, it was my first ever fanfic so I'm happy. I can't believe it's been 3 months since I first posted!

Hope you enjoy and thanks for coming along for the ride. Until next time, ba-bye now. XD

Epiloge: Two months later.

Ste

I had never been a morning person. No, I would much rather pull the quilt over my head and pretend it was still night time than get up and face a new day. This had changed over the past weeks - the main reason being that I woke up next to Brendan Brady.

I cursed the infernal racket of his alarm and smothered my face with a pillow to try and block it out. Brendan chuckled and pulled the pillow away. I scrunched up my eyes and put my hands over my ears.

"Ste-phen." Brendan called, accentuating the name, "Ste-phen. Wakey wakey."

In response, I muttered something unintelligable which then turned into a moan when Brendan started planting kisses across my stomach, slowly making his way to my throat. Brendan's mouth was practically sinful - that was something I'd learnt early on in. The things he could do with that mouth.

I opened my eyes and smiled down at Brendan. "Mornin'." I mumbled.

"Good morning." He replied, smiling back.

"Will you turn the alarm off?"

Brendan reached over me and turned it off before returning to his previous task of kissing me. He continued his trail up my chest to my neck. The kisses growing sloppy with his teeth grazing the sensitive skin.

"I knew there was a reason I loved waking up next to you." I said, my hands tangled in Brendan's hair. I couldn't think of a place I would rather be; there wasn't anywhere I belonged more than I did here - naked and sleepy, my muscles aching slightly from the previous night's sexathon, with Brendan Brady laying delicious kisses up my body whilst we longing in _our _bed, in _our _flat which we shared _together_.

"You could always skip work and I could show you some of my other talents." Brendan replied, smiling against my pulse point.

"Mmmm." I threw my head back to give Brendan better access to my skin. "Don't tempt me - it's not fair."

"You love it." he retorted, looking smug.

"Yeah, okay. Whatever you say." Ste said sarcastically, but I was grinning. I couldn't have his head getting any bigger - he already thought himself irresistable. Which he _was _but I wasn't going to let _him _know that.

Brendan looked at me skeptically, his eyes sparkling with humour. "So if I did this" Brendan kissed me suddenly, tounge plunging into my mouth. He tasted like morning breath but even then, I found him intoxicating, how was that fair? It lasted only around 5 seconds before Brendan pulled away, leaving me whining at the loss of contact. "You wouldn't love it?"

Brendan pulled himself over me, straddling me. "What if I did this?" He whispered into my's ear, sending shivers down my spine, before sucking at my neck whilst rutting against me. Due to our lack of clothes, it was impossible for me to hide my erection that betrayed just how much I loved it. I had to bite my lip to stop the noises that were trying to escape.

Brendan laughed in my ear, before whispering, his voice low and seductive. "Do really want to go into work?"

I wrapped my arms around Brendan's neck, pulling us closer together, our flush bodies sliding together. "Hell no." I grinned before kissing Brendan again, rocking our bodies together.

xXx

Life was 100 times better, in my opinion, now Brendan was living in Manchester with me. Yes, it had been hard at first. We'd both been wary of the other: Brendan worried of letting himself be vulnerable again in case I walked away, me being scared to trust again lest history repeat itself. Other people hadn't helped much: Amy and Alex had been completely against the whole thing and been very vocal in their opinions, people from Hollyoaks like Mitzeee whispering about us, even Cheryl and Lynsey had had reservations about us being together.

Amy thought we were a "toxic combanation" whilst Alex said that Brendan was a bastard and I was a mug. On the up side, Mitzeee loved us together even if it was just so she had more to gossip about. Cheryl wanted Brendan to be happy and said that he'd been miserable while I was away but she was worried that we were rushing into things. Lynsey said that she didn't want to see Brendan hurt and that she thought we might need some time apart.

So, basically we weren't getting much support. Luckily, we had spent enough time without each other to know exactly what we both wanted and we weren't going to let anything stand in our way. Brendan sold his share of Chez Chez and, with the money he got for it, bought a share of a club in Manchester. I moved out of the flat I shared with Alex and bought one with Brendan.

We were both happier than we'd ever been and things were definately looking up. The future would probably throw us another curve ball eventually but it didn't matter. I loved Brendan and Brendan loved me - that was all that mattered. Together, we'd been through Hell and made it to the other side. As long as we were together, we'd make it. We'd prove everyone wrong because that's what we do - we defy the odds. Who would've said that Brendan Brady would ever fall in love, much less to a guy? And who would've thought that me, Stephen Hay, would've ended up with the life I had now - two kids, a great boyfriend, working as a chef, owning my own place.

No matter what, we'd stay together and we'd land on our feat. We always do.

Rachey Ayy xx


End file.
